The Rant & Rave Thread

[Assnaked]

GodDAMN it. What is with these bank assholes, since I never agreed to a fucking overdraft. Someone, please explain: You write a check with a negative balance. It bounces. WHY THE FUCK DOES MY DEBIT CARD WORK WHEN I DON'T HAVE MONEY. AWESOME. KEEP CHARGING ME 20 BUCKS A POP ASSHOLES. YOU JUST LOST A MEMBER.

Seriously. I can undestand charging 20 bucks for a bounced check. That's fine. I don't keep a log of my spending because I can just check it online, but apparently this is inaccurate, since I stopped once I hit 10 dollars and apparently it kept subtracting. Fuck. I can't explain the venemous feelings I hold towards this asshole bank. I'm not the first person they've fucked with, and this isn't the first time it's happened to me either.

I hate money.
Grumble.

[Jerkoff]

An open letter to the douchebag infested staff at the Monona Denny's:

I don't expect a four-star meal when dining at a place like Denny's. I expect it to be a relaxed, quick lunch in-between classes. I expect you to at least know the vocabulary of food service.

ap·pe·tiz·er (p-tzr)
n.
A food or drink served before a meal to stimulate the appetite.

Do you see that? Can you even read? Listen, if I order a Philly Melt with some mozarella sticks as an APPETIZER, I expect that the cheese will come BEFORE THE FUCKING MEAL. I didn't order them on the side, so don't put them on the plate like fucking french fries. I can accept that though. It's when you bring out the cheese sticks, and then FIFTEEN FUCKING SECONDS LATER you bring out the main course. For the love of God, you're a fifty year old waitress, chances are you've been doing this for over half your life, learn what a fucking APPETIZER IS YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING WHORE. You have warming lights for a reason. Just let the damn sandwich sit until you can see I'm almost done with my appetizer. It's not like you're busy, the most people I've ever seen in there are a family of four and some homeless guy at the counter. Even better yet, WAIT to cook the main course until AFTER the appetizer is done.

But alas, being the spineless prick that I am, I will continue to frequent your establishment. Hell, I found a rusty spring in my Dr. Pepper once, and that didn't stop me from coming back. You've won this time Monona Denny's, but the hour of atonement is drawing near.

Yours In Christ,
Jerkoff

[JudiBootie]

I got into a fucking car accident yesterday. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I was taken to the ER (presumably to have x-rays taken of my arm that's held together by steel from another accident), the doctor never bothered to check my ribs, the line where the seatbelt causes bruising, my neck for whiplash, etc.

I literally had to beg the fucking asshole to take x-rays of my arm while he chastised me for "not letting me speak" and then returned the favor in kind. I kept my mouth shut until he asked me if I wanted my humerus x-rayed.

No, you fucking moron--did you pick up your license in Hialeah?--is there a fucking scar anywhere near my damned humerus? Is that your idea of a fucking joke? It's not "humorous" asshole. It's not even slightly funny. I begged you to take x-rays because I've had 3 surgeries on my goddammed arm and I'm not leaving this fucking ER until you do.

And to the fucking nurse who did *nothing* while I was under her charge--yeah, I called you a fucking bitch. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking about you. To my father. Why he felt badly enough for you to apologize was his problem as he wasn't your patient. That you didn't even take my vitals was a problem. That you let me sit there like the little girl who cried wolf was bad enough, but to try and get involved in my private conversation? Yeah, you're a fucking bitch because you're an ER nurse and you sat passively by and did NOT A DAMNED THING FOR ME. Oh wait. Thanks for the fucking Motrin and ESPN.

[KungFu Mike]

Dear Roommate's Brother,

The other night when you met up with us at the bar and you told me that you used my computer for a minute, you failed to tell me that you also drank my beer and fed my piranhas hot dogs. Hot dogs. Ammonia and nitrates are two things that will kill fish very fast, and you essentially just fed them a nitrate-fucking-sandwich, you low rent TJ Maxx Polo sale wearing motherfucker. You sell knock off perfumes and watches on the street like a fucking gypsy and you have the audacity preach to me about "all the money you make" while you waltz into MY apartment, drink my beer and poison my pets like you own the place.

I've been detoxing my tank and giving the fishies meds all week trying to stave off their death throes to no avail. If they make it out of this I am going to wait until you pass out drunk on the living room floor like you do every weekend, cover your hand in tunafish juice and let them exact revenge on your dick beater and then I am going to take a dump on your brother's pillow for letting shit like this happen in the first place. I hate you.

[Trixie Hunter]

Dear Hurricane Ophelia,

I know you can't make up your mind right now. You're going through a difficult time deciding who you are and where you're going in life. Hell, we've all been there. You wanted to be a tropical storm, then a hurricane, then a tropical depression, then back to a full blown hurricane. Decisions..decisions...

I'm glad you finally made up your fucking mind bitch. You've decided you would like to fuck up the Carolina coast line. Well great. Thanks a fucking bunch.

You are going to ruin my fucking weekend you big ol' whore. If I have to sit in the O'Hare airport while you finish your business, I will be pissed. If you rain and spew shit, while I'm trying to get my chill on, I will hunt you down. And if you prevent me from having a "drunken forget where I am and who I'm fucking weekend", I will never ever speak to you again.

So you better spin your happy ass today and tomorrow. But you better be out of North Carolina by Friday. There's only room for one of us in NC, and guess what, I can do more damage than you.

[NapaTransplant]

To the immigrants, welfare recipients, and morbidly obese in my grocery shopping community:

I hate grocery shopping. I can't stand the 80's soft jazz they play on the PA system, I can't stand the 32 year old deli attendant with a faux silk tie and a yellow armpitted, short sleve, white "dress shirt". Shit, I can barely handle having to walk through a fucking labyrinth for a half gallon of milk that I know will waste away in my refrigerator.

That being said- GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN AISLES, RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I understand that in Tijauna, you weren't in a hurry to get out of the store, because you had dirty syringes and a donkey named Carlos waiting for you. Guess what, bitch? I hate donkeys and I hate you. I hate that you have 16 children, all on DSHS assistance, and that they have to ask the employees where the size megafatbitch maxi pads are, because you can't speak English.

Next, to the people who use the fat wagon/motorized wheelchair- Are you fucking kidding me? I know it is probably part of your "therapy" to get out of the house and away from all those damn cats, but why perpetuate the cycle? Both you and I know that you shouldn't be here. Not only does your little chair not go walking speed- IT TAKES UP 75% OF THE GODDAMN AISLE! For fuck's sake, you have a body that is wider than the chair. How do you do that? I guess it could be like the bumper buddies on a boat, but I can't see where they would do you any good. More of a liability than an asset, wouldn't you agree?

Fuck, I hate grocery shopping.

[The Good Doctor]

From the AOL Today pop-up that appears when I start my Instant Messenger:

"Celebrities Rule
They tell us what to eat and how to dress.
And how to do our hair... | Teen People"

My God. I'm just waiting for the government to start putting all U.S. citizens in diapers and converting all road signs away from actual text to pictoral representations for the Intelligence Impaired.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO START CALLING THESE CELEBRITY-OBSESSED MORONS WHO MAKE UP THE LARGEST POPULATION OF OUR COUNTRY. Stupid people won't be stupid - "Intelligence Impaired".

I'd like to make a video called "Celebrities Take Shits Too...And They Stink" and blow the minds of all you mouth-breathers.

[s0faking]

Stop trying to fuck my friends. Please, it really is quite pathetic.

[Caducus]

I can't fucking believe that ScribbleOnIt...er...Secret decided to call it quits on the Member's Bobbie Thread "boob-off". Don't give up so easily! Listen to you high school coaches, your Mom, your speach therapist-- listen to me! Don't give up now... not ever.

That said, in all seriousness I would rather watch two girls with wonderful assets battle it out in nudie pictures than any e-argument on the planet. For the love of God, I implore you, don't quit on me just yet. You've got it in you to strive forth and give it 110%.


-Jeff

[Angus]

http://www.wnbc.com/traffic/4970761/detail.html

Reading that article made me want to chew on 10-penny nails and spit out a barbed wire fence. THE GUY TRIED TO RUN THE KID OVER! AT HIS OWN HOUSE! The kid punches him in retaliation and GOES TO FUCKING JAIL!!!????? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't running into someone with a 3,000 pound vehicle constitute deadly force? That's just unbelievable.

Sorry for the randomness-I'm too pissed off to write in an understandable manner right now.

[SuperJane]

Girls who are determined to prove how little they eat, even if they are not thin, drive me crazy.

Case in point: "ohmygod, I haven't eaten, like, ALL day! All I had was, like, a piece of fruit and a slice of toast with a dab of peanut butter for breakfast, and then all I had were Altoids and black coffee all day until I ate dinner!"

The point is not whether or not that's not enough food. The point is that you are a huge attention-whore and I hate you.

[Secret]

I can't fucking believe that ScribbleOnIt...er...Secret decided to call it quits on the Member's Bobbie Thread "boob-off". Don't give up so easily!
-Jeff

Um, this after you gave me a red dot???? Come on, now. I am just not prepared to take a pic of a vibrator in my ass to win the exchange. I concede victory.

FOCUS: I FUCKING hate when I am told a bad thing someone has done to me but swears me to secrecy so I can't retaliate. Can't cuss them out, can't pour acid in their eyes, can't do shit except for allow the hate to fester. ARGH.

[edward]

THE Biggest Scam of all time...

Maybe there's some industry secret that I don't know about, but when I prepay at the pump and you fucking set the pump to slow down 60 fucking cents away from the target.. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!?!!?

Huh, fucker?

Are you trying to get me to walk away from the pump with $9.86 pumped?

Are you hoping I'm in a hurry and will just say "Fuck it" and leave 15 cents worth of gas in your tanks?

Well, I think you're trying to rip me offr. Because, I know that when I release the handle, the pump fucking stops INSTANTLY! You're telling me there's something magical about me releasing the handle and the pump shutting off right at $10?

The bad part about it... I know there are people who walk away from your pumps, leaving some change on the ticker.... making it profitable for you.

But, I'll have you know, that your little tricks don't work on me. I'm being rained on. I'm freezing. I'm sweating. But... I'm not pullin' out until the pump stops, the handle clicks, and I grab the middle of the hose and lift it up over my head to get the last drop.

Fuckers.

[QuietSpeed]

Dear Pants-pissing Roommate,
Jesus fucking Christ. How many times is this now? 6? 7? I just don't undestand how this happens...you're how old? Almost 21? Stop pissing on my fucking couches. I sit there. This was the last one that was clean, and, well, now its not. It just is beyond my grasp how, at 21, you cannot wake yourself up and hit the head. I mean, jesus man, its gross. Take some responsibility and get in your own bed, I could care less how much you pee there. Maybe, you could use some Depends, would that work?? Fuck, I'll buy them for you. In fact that gives me an idea for your birthday present... Douchebag.

Love,
Quiet

ps~ you owe me for cable

[Virginia]

People who try to be all "quirky,' by saying incredibly dipshit things and then looking around wide-eyed, expecting the rest of us to piss ourselves with laughter over how kooky they are.

Shut up if you have ever said any of the following:

"God, like all these guys are totally in love with me, and it's sooo annoying."
"Man I wish I didn't have such a high tolerance for alcohol/drugs/sex."

Anyone who not only does their own tattoos, with a homemade machine, but brags about it. I have yet to see one self-done tattoo by an amateur that didn't look like shit. I met a guy who had 8 smiley faces on him, and not one was a perfect circle. And he was very proud of them, and I'm sure his mother was too.

[inane]

To my best friend’s new former husband: A few tips.

I tried to warn you. (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=137824&postcount=235) I tried to tell you to stop being a controlling psycho if you wanted your marriage to last.

Alas, you did not listen. You bitched at her for not ‘dusting properly’. You screamed at her for buying the ‘wrong kind’ of meat at the grocery store. You freaked out when you couldn’t reach her on her cell phone, and drove over to her mom’s house in a rage because you were convinced she wasn’t really there watching a movie. When she was.

And now, she’s moving out and getting a divorce. Total time married? 55 days.

I am sure you have designs on making this divorce a fucking disaster. I am sure you are planning on fighting her on what to do with the house and mortgage, so she will end up losing a bundle. You should know ahead of time that I am not above sabotage.

So, make this easy on all involved and just go away. Go find some other girl who doesn’t mind being told how to store newspaper and welcomes your ‘lessons’. In fact, I know of the perfect girl (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/member.php?u=3161).

I hate you. And you should keep that in mind as we’re moving her out this weekend. Because if I see you say or do anything in the vein of your recent actions, I will not hesitate to kick you in the balls.

Don’t let my slight stature mislead you; I’m scrappy.

[Toddus]

Well I am drunk which usually also coincides with me being angry, well not always but right now anyway. Stephen from Laguna Beach: The real O.C, I want to beat the living shit out of this kid. I know as a grown man I shouldn't watch this show, but something about it just keeps from hooked like Kate Moss with cocaine.

Just accept it Steve you are a whiney little bitch, who via some miracle of the Gods not only wound up on a TV show but also having two extremely hot girls love you at one stage or another. But what do you do, play them while tapping ass on the side? Pick one and fuck her everyday for the rest of your pathetic life?...no you flipflop between them until the point where you will have no one bar the pathetic barfly who will fuck you because you were on MTV. Even then I sincerly doubt you will get as much as the 'elite' former 'celebs' of MTV. No, instead you will be laughed out of the fucking bar for being a whiney little bitch. I can only imagine how much shit you get given at college. Please if anyone goes to college with this little fucker, please tell me he is a laughing stock.

[SuperJane]

My first day of work was Monday, September 12. I was here from 8 to 6 every day this week.

It is now 9:00 am on Saturday, September 17. Where am I? Oh right, at work. And I have been here for an hour and a half.

It's not that I don't like what I'm doing. It's just that I planned to spend the morning sleeping and then having lazy weekend morning sex.

eta: Also I hit the snooze button one too many times, got up at 6 instead of 5:30, and didn't have time to shower. Now my feel smell. Ew. I disgust myself.

[MrBesch]

Thanks for blowing me off you stupid bitch. You know, when I met you two days ago in Anthro 104, I managed to make you laugh, and we ended up walking back to your dorm, talking the whole time about things we had in common, like blazing with our brothers and such. You found me funny. We hung out at your dorm for a while, and before I left I asked for your digits and you said sure, and we traded. I told you I'd call around 7 on saturday (yesterday) to chill and you said ok.

I call and you say "I just got back from the supermarket and I'm pretty tired, and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. I'll call you in an hour - hour and a half." I like to consider myself a reasonably intelligent man, but I guess I wasn't smart enough to see that you really meant "Fuck off, I'm getting the dick from my hot RA in ten minutes." Your call back might as well have been a Porsche because I sure didn't get one. So I call you two hours after we last spoke and leave a message "You aren't picking up your phone. Whatever. I guess I'll see you around."

It fucking pisses me off that this shit always fucking happens. I actually have the balls to go up to girls and start talking to them. I'm not ugly. I'm tall and skinny, but I play sports so I'm not pasty. I'm not socially reatarded. Hell, my first fucking day in college I was going up to chicks at the dining hall and talking to them. I don't think I'm smooth, but I can make conversation and make girls laugh. Really, it's college, lots of people fall ass backward into women let alone actually try for it. And what do I get? Jack fucking shit. I don't have a tiny penis or anything. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? AM I RETARDED? WHY THE FUCK DO CHICKS SEND SIGNALS LIKE THAT AND THEN DECIDE "Hmm, I'm a retarded fucking waste of life good for nothing other than a vagina and tits to be sprayed upon, but I'm just going to be a dumb bitch and turn you down so I can go in a 8 man mexican janitor gangbang." Stupid fucking cunt, go fuck yourself. You missed out, whore.

[Tucker Max]

From a board member in Afghanistan:

Today, with elections going on in Afghanistan and IEDs going off like firecrackers on the fouth of July we decided not to work. Likewise, I just watched Sportscenter for the first time in 8 months because it is only on ESPN Asia midday while I work. So today, for a 1/2 hour I felt like a red blooded 20-something American Man for once.

I thought this would make a good idea for a thread....an Appreciation Thread for the things in life that at one time you took for granted and miss or the things that you realize make your day/life what it is. I thought this would be a nice yin to the Rant thread yang.

FOCUS: Get to it.

[WickedBitch]

Unsigned red dot for This post (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=142524#post142524):

"nice double post"

Nice use of the shift key and punctuation, numb nuts. Never mind the fact that there IS NO DOUBLE POST. In that whole thread, I posted ONCE. No one else posted the same thing as me, and I've never posted that link anywhere else here. So please, you asshat (or anyone that knows something I don't), PM me and tell me how the fuck that was a double post.

People, please. If you're going to red dot me, know what the fuck you're talking about. And to those of you who just use the reps to throw out nasty insults like a playground bully, at least have the common decency to sign your name so I can put you on my ignore list.

And one more thing. I believe it was the great Soylent Green that said this very true statement:

"Who red dots nice boobies? Thanks homo."

Touche, my man. Touche.

[The Good Doctor]

Unsigned red dot for This post (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=142524#post142524):

"nice double post"

Nice use of the shift key and punctuation, numb nuts. Never mind the fact that there IS NO DOUBLE POST. In that whole thread, I posted ONCE. No one else posted the same thing as me, and I've never posted that link anywhere else here. So please, you asshat (or anyone that knows something I don't), PM me and tell me how the fuck that was a double post.

People, please. If you're going to red dot me, know what the fuck you're talking about. And to those of you who just use the reps to throw out nasty insults like a playground bully, at least have the common decency to sign your name so I can put you on my ignore list.

And one more thing. I believe it was the great Soylent Green that said this very true statement:

"Who red dots nice boobies? Thanks homo."

Touche, my man. Touche.

WHAT'S WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR DOTS?

Is there a special prize for whoever has the most green dots? Do you get to wear a special hat and have everyone sing you a song and eat at whatever restaurant YOU want to pick on your Special Day? Is there a punishment is getting red dots?

Look, I use green dots when someone has entertained me, I want to let them know and I don't want to shoot them a PM, because I really don't want to talk to them. I say, "Hey, that made me squirt coffee out of my nose. Nice work" and I go on my way. When someone makes a particularly stupid or pointless or unfunny post, I ignore it because it so easily blends in with the other 90% of worthless crap posted on here.

Red dot, green dot, who gives a shit? What, do you think someone's going to say, "Holy shit, this messageboard personality really knows how to get green dots! Let's fuck the shit out of him and bake him a cake!" Well, hell...most of you really are like that. I mean, Corey Feldman was a sex addict, implying that there were more than two women who wanted to fuck him. If that kind of shit can exist, surely there are crazy women who would fuck you and bake you a cake for netting the most green dots on a messageboard. Let's not name names. Back on subject...

I celebrate the fact that there are some of you out there who rely so heavily on the validation provided by your colored dots (or dots of color, if you're into the whole PC thing) that I can actually ruin your day with a carefully placed dot and message. Can't get enough of it.

You know why I check dots? Because for every 18 that say something stupid and are left unsigned, there is one with something funny or entertaining, and the person had the common human deceny to leave their initials or name. I don't care if you praise, criticize or castrate me, but make it enjoyable for YOU and myself and leave a little something extra. "Go die" or "go get an STD" or "eat some shit that I pooped" isn't entertaining anyone, and trust me, I've heard worse.

Example of something that entertains no one: "I don't think it's lost in the telling so much that you're a fucking retard. I hope you die, turd burglar." Alright, we've got "retard" modified to the extreme by a preceeding "fucking"...hmm...nothing groundbreaking here. Then we've got an "I hope you die"...not too strong, since we're relying only on the "hope" that I may die, not to mention the fact that it's only an opinion. I would have gone with "You are going to die on _____" and given a specific date and circumstances. Probably involving a sack of doorknobs and a syringe full of bat piss. Then our little Kerouac-in-training ices off his shitcake with the name "turd burglar", which I'm sure is still a novelty among the Blue Collar Comedy Tour crowd.

Example of a red dot comment that I actually enjoyed: "youre a douche bag.. love Abby." "Douche bag" really isn't novel, but I laughed because she signed it with "love". Abby, I don't know who you are and every Abby I've ever met has been overweight, but I love you too, babydoll.

All I'm saying is, this board thing is supposed to be entertaining. If you're going to attempt to hurt someone's feelings or chastise them or make yourself feel better, at least give us a damn laugh.

[Boozy]

A friend and I did this a bunch this past summer towards the end of our stay in Africa when all we could think about was getting home. We would do it by emphatically stating a long string of things that we loved but didn't have any access to with complete disregard to anyone around us. For example:

"I love Chicken Wings. I love football. I love Online Poker. I love getting shitfaced. I love not being the only white person in a bar. I love females that go to a bar that aren't prositutes with HIV. I love Baseball tonight. I love Reverse Cow Girl. I love a bar-b-q and a day buzz on a boat. I love titties. I love my dog. I love walking around at night without carrying around a machete. I love not having diarreha. I LOVE SPORTS BARS. I LOVE TAILGATING. I LOVE THE INTERNET....."

[ThePyroman]

- Saturday mornings, A big bowl of good cereal (Peanut Butter Captain Crunch was the bomb), cartoons all morning long and absolutely nothing to fucking do all day but play and goof off. Those were the days...

- Sports Illustrated. I know I can get all the sports news in the world off the Internet instantly, but until I got a free subscription a few weeks ago, I never knew how much I missed reading SI cover to cover the day it arrived in the mail.

- Physically working outside all day. I miss getting sunshine and decent exercise and earning money all at the same time. Fuck this office tan.

- Sunday mornings after chores, sitting back with a big breakfast and reading the Sunday paper and watching NFL pre-game shows.

- When Underage, being able to get blitzed with my friends at my parents’ house, discussing whatever topics crossed our minds, and playing fetch with my dog (R.I.P. Max, you were the best dog a man could ask for) all night in the backyard. Didn’t even have to pay for beer.

[slightlydainbramaged]

After a fun-filled year in the desert of Iraq, I realized that there were several things that I took for granted. I could say my kids, my wife, sex on a regular basis, but that is obvious. Here are the things that I never knew I would miss until they were gone:

As stated above: SportsCenter and all sports in general. When you are deployed all games come on at like 3 in the morning. We were lucky enough to have AFN sattelite in our company command point so I would actually get up at 1:30am to walk 3 miles to my CP to watch a game like Florida State vs. Miami. Then I would be up all day on guard duty in the 115 degree heat and tired as shit. Did I regret getting up that early? Hell no.

Showering in the comfort of my own home. You never realize how nice it is to shower everyday in your own shower, until you are standing in line for 45 minutes to get a shower in a nasty shower trailer every other day because we have to conserve water. Also, I took for granted not having to shower in sandals to avoid a nasty foot fungus.

Beer. This goes without saying. There is nothing like coming home after a stressful day and having that beer in front of the tv in your favorite chair. Anyone here on this board that was deployed will tell you that an ice cold beer was talked about with the guys as often, if not more often than pussy.

Finally, driving my car. I also took for granted the ability to get in my car and go where ever I wanted, when ever I wanted. This freedom isn't available while deployed unless you get a TC (person to ride with you), a humvee and wear a kevlar helmet. Those things suck.

In conclusion, there are several things that I took for granted that I never even thought that I'd miss until they were gone. All I can say is that when I got back to the states all I did was shower, drive, watch football and drink to make up for a year's worth of lost time. I have been back since January and I am still trying to catch up on the beer I should have drank last year.

[BillyBlade]

I just started playing golf again after years of not playing. I forgot how much fun it is to get wasted driving around in a golf cart and smacking the shit out of that little ball that can fly forever. I wish I had more days off from work to go play or just go to the driving range and unleash some drunken furry on that little ball. I love golf so much one reason is because it is the only sport that promotes drinking and driving!!

[_tom]

I love the way my youngest daughter says "Daddy!" when she sees me, especially since I know the window for this is closing as my two older girls simply say "Hi".

I love the way my wife gives me that private look.

I love the smell of wood chips and sawdust.

I love when my gorgeous neighbor goes running with her dog, and especially when she stops and talks for a bit. I also love that my wife doesn't make a big deal out of me enjoying this.

I love when the Bucs play dominating defense.

I love knowing a hit is a homerun from the crack of the bat.

I love that first taste of cold beer when I'm really thirsty.

I love that tired and "worked out" feeling I have at the end of a bike ride.

I love that feeling in your hands when you know you've hooked a fish.

[SoylentGreen]

-Clean Socks & Underwear.
-That feeling of being wanted or even needed by someone.
-The pure pleasure of motorcycle ownership and the call of the open road.
-A full fall day off, just doing nothing, no plans, no phone, no one, just you and a hammock a beer and a book or a nap.
-The Members Boobie Thread (BowChickaBowBow, Secret & Smurfette) and 5 minutes in the bathroom alone.
-Women, how they smell, act and systematically drive you nuts at times.
-Weekly Poker games with the usual suspects.
-Beer
-Monday Night Football
-Comp time
-Paid Vacations
-Quarterly Bonuses
-140lb English Mastiff named "Mr. Drake"
-Internet Porn

[Traffic Goddess]

-Welcome Back, National Hockey League....Let's Go, PENS! I was going through serious hockey withdrawal and now my dry spell is almost at an end.

-Thank you, America, for allowing me the freedom to dress like a slutty bitch if I want. I took my kid to a county fair, yesterday, and it was was very hot out. While we were there, I saw a group of Muslim women that were completely covered from head to toe. When I think about having just the simple freedom of wearing shorts and a tank top in the heat, it really makes me appreciative of my country. I can't imagine not being permitted to do the things I normally do because a group of fuckwit men claim that they are able to dictate my actions just because they have a dick.

-Just relaxing on the deck in the warmth of the sun with a good book.

[DietCokehead]

Every time I'm in Europe, this all hits home again:

- I love real Diet Coke. Coca-Cola Light can burn in hell, for all I care, and I'd be a happy man to never see a bottle of it again.

- I love Taco Bell. No, that's not accurate. I love the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, possibly more than I'll love my firstborn child.

- I love American television. I will be a happy man if I never see another music video in German and the only time I hear Spanish or see a soccer game is when I get a phone call in the middle of channel surfing and I accidentally leave the TV on Univision.

- I love air conditioning. Real, too-cold, energy-wasting American air conditioning.

- I love ice. Even moreso if it's in my real Diet Coke.

- I love the American dollar, with all of my heart and soul. Screw that Monopoly money. Give me some greenbacks any day of the week.

- I love my country and all of its uncultured but regularly showering masses. Well, at least for a couple minutes until they piss me off, too.

Texas never looked so good, as whenever I step off of that intercontinental flight.

[smurfette]

-I love my job, teaching 9 months and having summers off

-I love drinking two cocktails and knowing that's enough

-I love getting shitfaced for Clemson tailgates and then sobering up with wonderful food, only to go back out and celebrate the win that night

-I LOVE DIXIELAND, even though I was born in the North

-I love the thrill of a win, in any sport, competition...anything

-I love sex, especially naughty sex

-I love beautiful women and greatly thank Natalie Portman's parents for having sex so many years ago

-I love beefjerky and Mexican food

And this is a list my friends and I made upon graduating from Clemson:

Things I Love About Clemson: Tailgaiting and Football Games, The most exciting 25 seconds in College Football, The Hill, stumbling downntown, Bowman in the Spring, Flip-Cup, Quarters, Beer Pong, and Circle of Death, $1 Burgers, $3 Pizzas and $6 Liquor Pitchers, Rockhoppers Trivia Night, DX Parties, Formals, 21st Birthdays, Tri-Jen, Drunk Olympics, Roadtrips, Die Dr. Pass, Foreign Boys, Dancing on Pool Tables, Dueling Pianos, falling in front of cops, horn blowing, balloon wearing, 'what the hell happend last night', Gamma Sig Girls, free redbull, Clemson Tradition...my blood runneth orange

[Angus]

-That feeling of being wanted or even needed by someone.

-Women, how they smell, act and systematically drive you nuts at times.

My thoughts exactly, now that it looks as if I might have myself a new girlfriend pretty soon. Just to add to that, the feeling of leaving the bachelor pad and going over to the girly house that's all cleaned up and hanging out with a hot chick that digs me.

-Football season
-Being NOT sick, a luxury that I don't have right now
-Change in season (which is what is causing my allergies to mess up so bad)
-The new Paul Wall CD

[blue eyes]

I have been thinking about this a lot in the past few weeks. Hurricane Katrina made me realize just how much I take for granted. Though things are getting back to normal now, some things still aren't

Things I took for granted and missed:

- Running water
- Electricity
- Cell phone

Things I took for granted and still miss:

- Home telephone
- Internet service at home
- Cable TV
- Going into a place of business and not having men in camo with guns slung over their shoulders standing there.
- BUYING ALCOHOL AND GOING TO BARS.

[fling]

My paperboy, who with his well developed radar will hit the dog shit in my yard every time. I appreciate you, you little bastard.

My ex-wife, who I learned the definition of cold-hearted when she left a week before Christmas, is appreciated. By the way, yes, I did wipe my ass with your stocking before I gave it back. Sniff, sniff whore.

My daughter, who when I laughed at her after I scared her one morning, said,” Well, you cried when mom left, and she didn’t”. Showing daddy that he needed to pull his dick out of his ear and move on. You are appreciated.

My co-workers, who ask me to clarify that the Navy is the one with the ships and to help figure out what derful means when they get a shirt that says, 9-1-1-derful. Just talking to you makes my IQ drop 10 points. You are appreciated.

To everyone I deal with on a daily basis that shows me that Darwinism is a crock of shit. You are appreciated.

Thank you all for making me smile for different reasons, but smile none the less. You are appreciated.

[cvann]

I miss cheap gas, pre-1990 S. Florida, Florida sunshine, beaches, saltwater fishing, cheap weed... Not wearing shoes for weeks at a time, and Circle K convenience stores with bullet holes in the ceiling.

[Blaine]

After a fun-filled year in the desert of Iraq, I realized that there were several things that I took for granted.
Sweet Jesus, I missed things I never even knew I liked.

- Fresh fruit. I have never wanted apples and oranges so bad in my life. Bagged peaches with a shelf life of 20 years don't taste so great. Plus, we had been eating MRE's for 7 months straight.

- Clean, fresh, new, fluffy socks. Feet eat socks when you wear boots almost 24 hours a day, for 8 months. I bought about 50 new pairs of boot socks when I got home.

- A decent haircut. Marines are alot of things, but we aren't barbers. Especially when the sand imbeded in your scalp clog the clippers and they make you bleed.

- A mattress. Those cheap green cots suck. And they wonder why so many of us have back problems.

[Angelfart]

-The pure pleasure of motorcycle ownership and the call of the open road.
-A full fall day off, just doing nothing, no plans, no phone, no one, just you and a hammock a beer and a book or a nap.

-the jolt of adrenaline and the slight windburn from your first ride on the back of a motorcycle, and the feeling of self-satisfaction from seeing those poor slobs next to you on the road trapped inside their boring SUVs.

-spending two solid days with people who aren't lawyers and don't give a shit about civil procedure.

-rolling around on the floor with puppies, especially English Bulldogs.

[Faceman]

My hound who I see when I go back home even though my girlfriend has made him lazy.

Strippers- the smell of vanilla and smoke makes me feel better than smelling mom's homemade apple pie on a June day.

Playing Horseshoes and Drinking Rolling Rock in the summer.

[holls]

the cool september breeze blowing in my bedroom window at night
smoking a J
people that accept you for who you are and aren't afraid to "be a geek"
the smell of pie or cookies baking in the oven
the taste of fresh baked pie or cookies
an ice cold beer on a hot day
the sound of the crickets when I'm sitting on my back porch at night
a glass of wine by a roaring fire
climbing into bed with cold sheets and warming them up
sleeping in the arms of a man
the smell of coffee
the feeling you get after going for a long run or after a day of skiing
the sound of leaves crunching under your feet
the first snowfall of the year
laughing
relaxing in a bubble bath
swimming in the ocean
watching the sun rise
watching the sun set
the comfortable silence you can only have with a good friend
a first kiss
returning home after being away
christmas trees
making love
playing with a dog
holding a baby
the feeling of wet sand beneath your bare feet
the sound of the ocean
skinny dipping
listening to music
reading a good book

[Coxxy]

After any extended period of time away from home there is nothing better than getting to sleep in your own bed.

[McDermott]

That old high school life, where the work is underwhelming; you fuck around in class all the time, get smashed most weekends and then study up for a couple of hours before a test or exam and ace it.

The girls are naive and easy, everyone knows everyone...

What an easygoing life it was.

[annabanana]

I too love the feeling of freedom on the bike...the wind in my hair and the sun on my face...

* Riding in a group of 20 other bikes, everyone aware of each other as if they were connected (unlike cagers who don't bother to try to see you)...

* Meeting a whole other "culture" of people (bikers) who I grew up prejudiced against for no reason except that I was told they were "losers" but who I now know would walk through fire for me...

* The "nod" I get and give to a fellow rider in passing on the road that simply says "Ride free and FTW!"

* Understanding the meaning behind that corny saying "It's not the destination...it's the journey."

[powersexkitten]

After 6 month in Conakry, Guinea, just walking in the suburban streets around my mom's house felt great. Clean streets, green grass, functioning cars... Boring suburbia had never looked so good. Also:

- Water supply available 24/7
- Electricity available 24/7
- Fixed prices. Not having to bargain all the time on everything.
- White and Asian girls.
- The Economist. This week's Economist.
- Pastas. The thing I was craving the most was my mom's Macaroni.

[tyga wooo]

I work in China so I REALLY miss a quality toilet seat. A nice comfy seat, preferably made by one of the name brand companies like American Standard or Kohler.

In China, if you need to take a dump, its usually some bullshit squat toilet or basically a hole in the ground. If your lucky and can find a hotel or home with an actual toilet, its usually built for a China man, which usually means its meant for midgets.

[Cus]

- I love really good toilet paper. Every time I have to use a public restroom I am reminded of what a fantastic luxury we have in quilted TP.

- Also, I like football and porno and books about war.

[inane]

Spending a day with my 14 year old brother. We’re pretty far apart in age, and I hardly get to spend time with him because of geography. There is a lake in my hometown that is about a 2h walk from our house, and our tradition is spend a day walking there, buy a bunch of candy, and talk about everything. I love that he will talk about anything with me, and that he’ll listen to my problems and do his best to give advice.

Meeting someone new and poking at each other until you find out all the random things you have in common. Telling them all your secrets and listening to all of theirs.

When my dad calls to chat because he’s bored.

I love the idealism some of my poli sci undergrads have. I rail on them a lot (and most of them deserve it) but every now and again you’ll get a real gem who will amaze you with both their intelligence and faith in people.

I love debating with my brothers. A dinner where the 4 of us are there will inevitably devolve into a debate about something. Politics, science, who won the last one, anything. They’re heated, filled with stupid analogies, and always hilarious. We once had a 2h argument where a key point of contention was salad dressing, and the use there of.

Oh, and: I love getting a brand new toothbrush.

This pleasure is second only to getting a new pillow for my bed.

[Sweet Marissa]

I love manicures and pedicures because every girl should treat herself like a fucking princess.

I love driving too fast and getting out of a ticket because of who I know. And if the cop who pulls me over is stupid enough to write me up, I love having any citation getting tossed out because the judge knows me.

I love my flat in Green Island Hills (a neighbourhood/subdivision in Columbus, Georgia).

I love flirting with cute girls, even the straight ones.

I love being able to hustle pool, especially when I hear "but you're a girl" as I'm taking some guy's money.

I love that my ex-fiance is now married to a druggie whore who cheats on him while he's caring for her two kids, and that she's now pregnant and it may not be his.

[Chase-USAF]

I never thought I'd say this but I miss commercials.

I don't miss beer but I miss being able to have a beer if I want to.

I miss being able to shower for longer that three minutes.

[EPM]

I love a good breakfast with friends after a night of heavy drinking. The banter and perspective of a table full of half sober people eating greasy breakfast food is so comforting and always fun.

[RHM]

Things I love and take for granted:

- Sitting down at the poker table for a marathon.

- driving fast with my music up too loud.

- When a beautiful woman steals my attention with a look and a smile.

- A long phone call with my dad when neither of us is busy.

- Drinking with my buddies til the sun starts to come up.

- walking to the bar so there doesn't have to be a DD.

- Having the nuts when there is a monster pot.

[JaneFolds]

1. I love a good song. It can be an old jazz tune or a new rock song, but when it's good, it's candy to my ears. I've always said I'd rather be blind than deaf because I'd miss music too much.

2. Coffee. Because it truly makes mornings bearable for me.

3. Friends with whom you can be a complete goofball and also have serious conversations about politics, philosophy, etc.

4. My sunglasses.

5. Portland on a sunny day. Gorgeous mountain scenery and the river. I feel lucky to be here.

[Frisco Kid]

- Sleep. I find it interesting that for the first 16 years in life, we are just trying to stay up as late as we can, while for the rest of it, we're trying to figure out a way to go to bed earlier. Not a work week goes by that I don't earn an appreciation for a full night's sleep.

- The taste of an oaky, well aged, single malt whiskey. I can't believe it took me so long to learn of this simple life's pleasure.

- Grandma's cooking. Definitely something I took for granted. Now that she's gone, its one of the many little things I didn't realize that I would really miss about her. Nothing will ever be the same as those lazy sunday afternoon visits for lunch.

[Jay Vee]

I've been back about four months, but here are some things I really appreciated during my time in Iraq.

- I love eggs. Not the fake eggs they serve over there, but the ones that are straight-out-of-the-chicken-butt that you have to crack yourself.

- I love hot water. Cold showers are better than a baby-wipe shower, but nothing beats a long, hot shower. And I like being able to take a shower barefoot, too.

- I love women who smell good. Keep dousing yourselves in whatever shit you use, ladies, when you stop using Bath and Body Works products on yourself...the terrorists win. Hoo-ah!

- I love Reef sandals. Being surrounded by sand and not being able to wear flip-flops is bullshit.

- And lastly...I love good breath. You people want to make a valuable contribution to the war? Send the Iraqis some mouthwash.

[Sil]

El Tee beat me to some things I would've said; but here's one that has really stuck with me.

I was discharged from the Marine Corps in Spring of 2004 after having surgery to repair quite a bit of damage to my left knee. I remember when I got out of the hospital I met with my family over at the O-Club about two weeks before receiving my discharge papers.

There was a lunch buffet with all kinds of food - steaks, about eight different kinds of cheesecake, potato salad, salmon, etc. I watched as my family filled up their plates while I waited patiently for a cup of coffee.

When my coffee finally arrived, I just sat there for what must have been a good 5-10 minutes and felt the warmth of it on my hands with my nose right over the cup taking in the aroma.... it's funny how something as minor as a good cup of coffee could be so damned great when you've been reduced to the powdered crap for too long.

[shameless]

I love happy hour.
I love cold pitchers of Newcastle just for me.
I love being a regular at a bar, even after a year in the desert.
I love whores.
I miss being able to drink and fuck all night and still lead PT like it was nothing.
I miss sleeping in my own bed. Hell, any bed that isn't a cot, with sheets that aren't a sleeping bag.
I miss driving a normal car, with a cd player and AC.
I miss the way women smell.
I miss real American Waffle House style breakfast with real eggs, waffles, bacon, and a Texas Cheesesteak.
I miss being able to travel to Prague or Amsterdam on a normal weekend.
I miss showering without shower shoes and with hot water.

Deployments make your priorities shift in weird ways.

[tracy jo]

When I'm away, I miss:
- waffle house
- good mexican food and margaritas
- normal toilets
- comfortable beds

[Jerkoff]

* Your own bed, with freshly washed sheets (straight off the line, of course).
* That familiar smell you get when you walk into your parents house, where you grew up.
* A fall breeze in the evening (There's just something special about autumn.)
* Going out drinking with your best friends to that same little dive you've been going to for years.
* A cold glass of milk. With anything.
* Just hanging around, shooting the shit.
* Those first two months or so with a new girlfriend, before it all devolves into shit.
* Fishing off the bank. I never thought I'd appreciate it when I was younger, but damned if it's not the most relaxing thing on earth. Still not a big fan of boat fishing though.
* An ice cold Mountain Dew. (I might as well have been named Mt.DewHead)
* Coming home to see your dog going apeshit at the door...knowing that it truly does love you, and almost nothing you can do will change that.

And Finally:
* The fact that I live in America, and know that if I want to do any of those things, I can. Freedom is the biggest thing people take for granted.

[Frisco Kid]

- Indoor air conditioning. Never realized how amazing this was until I started going up to Clearlake, CA(otherwise known as white trash/welfare/meth/teen pregnancy capitol of CA) to see my brother and his kids. 105 in the summer, no air conditioning. I would have to go to the Wal-Mart to hang out in order to not succumb to heat stroke.

- This is maybe just for those of us from around San Francisco, but when I was at school in SB, I missed the fog. SF has true fog, a thick, dry cloud enveloping the area. It was a sight for sore eyes every time I went home. Much better than the wet, misty type fog that most places get. Stupid, I know, but just something from home I used to miss.

[Bacchante]

*Family talk at dinner time.

Dinner time at my house meant turning off all radios and the tv, sitting all together at he table and talking about our day. As a teenager, I HATED it. Even more when I had friends over and they had to come up with "Their best moment of the day". I now live alone, 7 hours away from my family and I love it. Except when I sit down all alone at my dining room table for dinner.

[goteamDIK4]

I love mornings on the lake, when the entire day is yours.
I love that point right after you take off the wake, when every trick is possible.
I love hearing my friends honk the horn and yell after i faceplant.
I love a new keg in the kegerator.
I love that 5th beer, when you turn the corner and start the night for real.
I love when my boss calls and tells me that there's no work today.
I love showerbeer.
I love my bed.
I love football season, and more specifically i love when Michael Vick takes off on a run.
I love when there's no bullshit between me and my girlfriend.
I love good concerts.
I love the freedom i have in my life right now.

[Jerkoff]

I forgot the single best one(well, second to freedom):

A few years ago I went to Europe for a few weeks to visit family. On the last day I was getting so sick of the shitty German food we were eating, rats and people I couldn't understand I actually cried because I missed my beloved Wisconsin so damn much (yeah, fuck you). After many hours on the plane, I looked out the window and saw the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Rolling green hills with patchwork squares of farmland and the mighty Wisconsin river snaking it's way through the landscape. It was so perfectly green and familiar (hey look, there's Snuffy's Bar!) I got a little choked up. I can only imagine how the people in Iraq feel when they come home...well, actually I can't.

In summary, seeing what was familiar and knowing that I could I could find my way home from anywhere in a 100 mile radius was the most gleeful moment on earth.

[abbalish]

I love coming home at the end of a long day, and hearing the jingle of the bells on my cat's collar as she runs to the door to greet me.

I love dirty martinis with good vodka and blue cheese stuffed olives.

I love Thursday evenings, almost more than I love actual weekends.

I love those moments when, for no particular reason, I am overcome with peace and everything in my life seems okay.

[Hans_Gruber]

-Tailgating -- especially for football
-Watching TV with my son at ungodly hours because he does not know what sleep is. And having a conversation about that previous day's Phillies game, like he understands what I'm saying.
-NHL '96
-CheeseSteaks
-Adrienne (http://org-www.philadelphiaeagles.com/cheerleaders/cheerBio.jsp?id=707)

[bait]

Among the things I love:

- when the audience shouts for an encore.
- the view at the top of a mountain overlooking miles of wilderness.
- biking down said mountain at top speed, when your mind is concerned with nothing but making sure you don't hit a rock or root and flip.
- the look on everyone's face when you go all in.
- when you laugh so hard you can't breathe.
- the feeling you get right when you know your getting laid that night.
- Sleeping at home after you've been away for a long time.
- Not having a care in the world.

[Luzza]

I love...


beer.
looking at old pictures.
sleeping.
my own bed.
fucking in random places because you just can't wait.
being at the cottage with friends, alcohol and a good campfire.
coffee and a cigarette before an 8 am class.
Christmas.
returning home after a long trip away.
laughing till it hurts.
popsicles.
porn.
dancing so hard that my legs burn the next morning.

[BowChickaBowBow]

-Crispy bacon
-Sweat pants,right out of the dryer, in the winter
-Wearing his button up shirt after sex
-When I'm walking with a guy, he puts his hand on the small of my back to guide me through a crowd or in a certain direction
-when my man kisses my fingertips
-Homemade Chicken Pot Pie
-Nice arms on a man and a great t-shirt to show them off
-The smell of my mom when I hug her
-Iced cold beer, Lake Roosevelt, 7 in the morning = pure heaven

[Poopourri]

-The crisp sound of a beer bottle being opened in the company of good friends.
-Waking up at noon and being able to think "What do I want to do today?
-4 AM trips to Krystal in the middle of the night.
-Putting together something right on the first attempt.
-Unexpected phone calls from friends you've lost contact with.
-The smell of a brand new book.
-Pinching a loaf with the door open.
-Midnight screenings of classic movies.
-Walking into Fenway Park every 4th of July and being recognized by the same "strangers" you've sat next to on that same day for the past nine years.
-Witnessing longtime friends get drunk for the first time and the blackmail material that follows.

[-jess-]

*the smell of a used bookstore
*the crisp fall air
*the way the fall leaves look against a grey sky
*home cooked Italian meal made by mom
*laughing so hard your face hurts the next day
*cuddling up with my honey to watch a movie
*the morning after a snowfall, when everything is bright and sparkly and looks like a different world

[bicoastal]

-The complete hush early in the morning, right after a snowfall, when everything is perfectly white.
-The smell of clean laundry
-Finding the perfect gift for someone
-Freshly cut grass
-Summer thunderstorms: sudden, short, fierce, and conspicuously absent from Southern California
-Curling up with a good book while it rains
-Finishing the crossword puzzle, in ink.

[MentalTypo]

I love:

- falling asleep on a boat out in the open air on a summer night.
- facial scruff on an otherwise clean-cut man (1 day growth is best.)
- good hair days.
- mojitos, and everything else that involves mint.
- making eye contact with a friend/lover across the room and sharing a
private joke.
- my space-age technology pillow (one of the nifty foam ones.)
- dirty jokes, and immature references in general.
- staying awake till 6 am because there are just so many things to talk about
that can't wait till the next day.
- pulling up little clumps of grass a few blades at a time.
- people who don't care whether you have a 5 year plan.
- drive-in movies.

[taste_my_rainbow]

I love:

-sitting outside and watching the stars fade and the sun rise.
-the time I spend with my friends, when we aren't worried about what we look like and we laugh til it hurts.
-sharing a bottle of wine and cooking dinner with my dad.
-rocking a baby to sleep in my arms.
-the feeling of a brand new haircut.
-sex. Any kind. With either sex.
-a baseball game with lots of beer.
-an unexpected note of thanks from someone.

and after trips out of the south...

-sweet tea.

[Secret]

the feeling in my belly when he says "I'm on my way, baby"
watching my son tackle some poor kid on the football field
hearing my son ask "Mama, can you cuddle me?"
having a bill come that says "overpayment, nothing due at this time"
a clean house
hearing L tell a story and cracking my shit up

[yeshiveh]

The momentary tranquility that comes with dropping a deuce right after you reloaded a fresh roll of toilet paper. For a moment, everything is in it's right place and there isn't a worry in the world.

How I love you, Mr. Two-Ply.

[Amglory]

Simple peaceful quiet. When I go to our cabin in the Adirondack Mts. I realize how noisy everything is all the time. When I get there maybe once a year I will get up early, sit on the deck among the bat sized mosquitoes and just listen to nothing or stay up late and stare at the brightest stars I’ve ever seen.

Being with someone I truly care about and enjoying their company, not necessarily the sex which is a bonus but just hanging around. Or in a relationship situation which has been absent for a good 6+ yrs, having that someone you can hug after a really long day. That hug seemed to make everything bad melt away for those few moments.

A recent death in the family made me appreciate the ones who are left. I will be going on more road trips to Long Island and VA in the future.

Grateful for being born American for all the reasons that other countries don’t have.

My son, every other weekend when he goes with his Father. His constant chatter drives me crazy sometimes but the house is just too damn empty without it.

I appreciate and am thankful that I have a roof over my head as too many people all over the world don’t have it. When I bitch about something and it gets too much even for me I just remember how bad it could be.

Seriously, the smell of horse and cow shit on a farm. If I get a whiff it reminds me of my Grandfathers apple orchard/stables/farm, my pony and all the people I knew growing up and how simple it seemed then. I appreciate the memories.

[Corporate Whore]

I love:

- Stepping out of a plane when I have just arrived home and feeling the humidty and heat I have grown up with.
- Nandos chicken with extra hot sauce.
- Getting paid and knowing no bills are due this week.
- Getting in my car and being able to enjoy my car stereo after a long period of not driving.
- Decent mexican food
- Walking to the beach in summer and have a barbeque on the sand.

[badkarma6]

I love crispy french fries.
a Qboda burrito.
chewy bacon.
the feel of a good golf drive that you don't even have to look up at.
a medium-rare ribeye steak.
ice cold cheap American beer.
a dog that can catch a frisbee.
Sundrop Citrus soda.
sweet tea with crushed ice.
Copenhagen.

[magz]

Just a few things that keep me going:


-The taste of the first beer at a Friday afternoon happy hour on a patio. For that one moment everything stressful in your life disappears and life can't get any better, especially if you just got paid.

-Rocking sunglasses. Highly underrated.

-Camping in the wilderness. The smell of campfire smoke on your clothes at 3am.

-The smell of a good steak on a grill.

-Getting the first run in on a mountain right after a huge dump of powder.

-A great seemless mix of music on a Saturday night when hanging out with friends, an hour or two before going out. Where every song fits perfectly and helps set the mood for the rest of the evening.

-Hearing a song from that mix sometime the following week and temporarily being transported in your mind to where you were the previous Saturday.

[Copter]

Privacy.

[Nacho_Man]

-Mom's home cooking
-the fact that my parents would actually do anything for me and not ask for anything in return
-a good snowball fight
-Fall in Michigan
-the smell of gun powder early in the morning on the opening day of pheasant season

[cotton]

After spending a weekend at a bachelor party in montreal with friends who i have known for 20 years, I know that some people will never know me better than they do, and Im excited that those people are around. And that they are still very bad people.

[secret sleeper]

- having any friends that are girls.

- getting drunk and making out with my ex boyfriend in nyc.

[Caducus]

Thanks for the little things in life...

Bonfires on a cold camping trip.

A perfectly poured Guinness.

That patch of skin that seems softer than the rest, just under each breast.

Smurfette and Smittenkitten. Their boobies are a sight to behold.

That first wonderful piss, when I get into the cold pool/ocean.

I live for moments like those.


-Jeff

Oh, and hydrocodone. 'nuff said.

[Sienna_Detests]

I love when a good friend that I rarely see but miss a lot calls me and says they're in town and we go and get shitfaced.

I love that I can walk down town without being shot at.

I love that whenever I go home to see my family Dad will buy a bottle of champagne

I love bourbon and coke and that my local pub knows this.

I just noticed that three out of four of my loves all include alcohol. I don't deny it.

[Fuzzy]

- Enjoying the first 30 seconds of your martini, before the ice crystals melt.
- Dawn patrol with no one else out; sitting on your favorite surfboard watching the sun rise between sets.
- Fishing / Shooting with my Dad.
- The Justice League, Scooby-Doo, Bugs Bunny and Friends, Speed Racer, and Hong Kong Fooey (number one super guy). Man I miss good old fashion Saturday morning cartoons.
- Showing up randomly at your buddy’s house with a 12 pack of good beer and finding that a few other buddies chose that particular night to do the same thing. Drink, smoke and play cards until the wee hours of the morning while discussing everything from sports to politics.
- Watching the sunlight radiate off the dew of a freshly mowed fairway at 6:30 in the morning. It’s like a million tiny prisms floating on a multi-hued sea of green. Then hearing that PING sound when the ball contacts the driver right in the sweet spot. All while drinking a beer well before noon.
- Sleeping outside on moonless night in the Sierra’s just to watch a meteor shower. Getting up the next morning for the last leg of the trip and climbing Mount Whitney.
- Mowing the lawn on a hot summer day while drinking an ice cold American micro-brew.
- A nice rare Rib-eye steak with au jus and fresh horseradish. Stupid cholesterol.
- The freedom to post things like this and read/watch whatever I want, in whatever media form I choose. Thank you guys – you know who you are.

[MrBesch]

The Emmys and all those pointless award shows. Seriously, who gives a shit?

[MrBesch]

-Stepping out onto the ice doing warmups before a hockey game.
-Watching a movie while drinking nesquik.
-Watching a movie while drinking rum and coke.
-Smoking with my brother with Immortal Technique playing in the background.
-Playing with my dog Duke.
-Leveling someone in the corner when they have the puck (my puck now, bitch)
-Fighting Canucks at a Canadian hockey tournament in Montreal
-Throwing snowballs at city buses with my buddies in 7th grade and laughing our asses off
-Playing punchball in grade school
-Watching Batman: The Animated Series (not the one on the WB)
-Reading Captain America and Spider-Man comics

[Kenzie]

Things I Love ~

The smell of my bed when I curl up in all of its snuggly fresh out of the dryer gloriousness.

The way my dogs flip out every time I get home, whether I've been gone for 2 minutes or 2 weeks.

My Mom.

The use of my hands. I lost the use of one for a few months, adaptation is not one of my stronger points.


Things I miss ~

Sunday mornings on a breakfast ride with my Dad. Nothing quite like coffee and a muffin on the back of a bike while watching the sunrise. I do not, however, miss the knots I used to have to cut out of my hair after riding down the southern state parkway at 70mph.

Sunday dinners at my grandparents house with the whole family. I can't wait to move home.

[Mojambo]

What is the deal with the Chicago White Sox?

Why take a 15-game lead into August and then allow the fucking Cleveland Indians to get to just 2.5 games behind with less than 2 weeks until the playoffs? Your fucking season is as good as done. Thanks a lot for actually getting every Sox fan's hopes up this season (which is a hard feat to accomplish) and then letting us down like a charm every August and September.

And when in doubt, keep Marte out! For fuck's sake, Ozzie.

[Sanku]

When I was living abroad for many years as a kid, I realized I missed the following under appreciated details of life:

Mash potatoes and gravy
Mac and Cheese
Cartoons
Toys R Us
Good television, anything really.
A clean sidewalk
Football
Apple Juice
A Cheeseburger from McDonalds and Hot Dog from the Hot Dog Pit in Chicago.
Potable tap water
Real roller coasters (Six Flags)
Fresh powder snow
Kicking a pile of leaves while walking around on a crisp fall day.
The change in seasons

[Assnaked]

Things I miss:

Grass
Oak and Maple trees, and the colors that they change during Autumn.
Snow
Hockey (thank god the season is starting back up)
Beautiful women. Not the desert rats we have out here.
Things I love:

The feeling you get when you realize that one or more of your friends would do just about anything for you, that they actually care.
The burn in my stomach after the first drink or shot.
Beautiful women. In bikinis.
Being a worthless lazy ass on the weekends, walking around in my pajama pants. I have like 20 pairs.

[SouthernCanadian]

I love:

Phone calls from my brother, who just moved to Madison for grad school
Minnesota winters
My cat curling up next to me in bed, purring
A coffee date with a friend I don't see often
Going to choir concerts
U of M hockey games
How my boyfriend, who isn't a huge cuddler, will hold my hand as we fall asleep


I miss and took for granted:

The beautiful cool, crisp summers in northern Minnesota
The extended and colorful autumn in northern Iowa
Time spent with just my immediate family
Being at college and living in the same building as my ten best friends

[Traffic Goddess]

I love Fair season! The best part is devouring freshly made red velvet whoopie pies. (I'll be interested to see how many people know what that is or have had one.) I'm thankful that it is only once a year or people would be telling stories about me in the "I wash my body with a rag on a stick" thread.

I wish I could go back:
-to yesterday morning...to an unbroken nose and two eyes that aren't black.

(Yes, I DO look like a woman that had to be told twice!)

[bcarlzson]

the fact that technology allows me to work 2 time zones away from the company that employs me. Thus having no supervisor and allowing me to stay up all night playing poker/drinking and sleeping until 4 pm without consequences.

[blocky]

YA, know what TMMB FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU
This rant goes out to you all you shit-brained non-pussy getting motherfuckers that take out your juvenile anger and repressed homosexual anguish out on me and other like me via the red dot.
I have received red dots for stating facts, I have got them for voicing my opinion, I have got them with a positive written comment. It is endless. Get a clue, learn how to use criticism. It’s so easy to be big and bad when who ever receives your red dot won’t know your name or even why you did it. Just keep red doting until you get to your full 2 inch erection. You fucking cowards. You’re the kind of people that would punch the blind.

Was it really necessary to red dot me for using to, instead too on a otherwise grammatically correct post of over 500 hundred words? You people must just float around the boards with your heads on a swivel looking for the most minute mistake. Then once you have discovered one, pounce on it like a starving jackal. Then spend the next 5 minutes of your life thinking something both clever and hurtful to say in response. A real good use of five minutes jackass.

Lets get to the meat of here bitches, what do you green dot? Boob’s of girls that you will never met and are already out of league anyway. Mod’s simply because it is physically impossible for you to blow them. And posts that must take over an hour to write and manage to say whatever it is you are exactly thinking and would like to say but you are to busy red doting people to create your own post.
If you don’t like, or disagree with that I think The University of Louisville could play for a national title this year, FINE. But you don’t need to red dot me with Keep on Trucking, redneck.

You fuck-tards need to take your heads out of your asses and stop looking down on people. I thought viscous grade school goading and sackless threats went out with just that, grade school.

Get fucking lost you cowards. I’ll post whatever in the fuck it is I want to post.

[Ol Dirty Bastard]

I miss:

Naps- I've been in the real world for over a year now, and everyday around 2:00 PM I get fucking tired as hell, this was the time I would come home from class sleep, then get up and usually start drinking.

Drinking heavily during the week without any consequeinces- Miss class and no one gives a shit; late to crappy part-time job- what are they going to do fire you? Miss a conference call with the CIO from Lockheed Martin and heads roll.

$1.00 You Call It Drink ngihts every day of the week- God I miss college town bars, drink specials in the real world suck dick. $4 PBR Cans is a fucking special?

PTI- Mike Wilbon I miss you man, It's not the same Tivo'd

College In General Why did I graduate in 5 years, It's like I left the party at 4:00 AM.

[A1C Whore]

I think we can all agree that Air Force bootcamp is not really the HARDEST thing one can go through, but it was the first time in a number of years that I hadn't had all my creature comforts and Juanita to pick up after me, to boot. They DO take away all personal items with the exception of photographs and the subsequent letters and cards you get from your family and friends.

When I got out of boot camp and to my first tech school base, I finally got to listen to music (that didn't start of with "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder....") and read a novel. I was in heaven. To this day, I thank the powers that be for how good I have it. I don't have to shit in a hole in the ground, I have plenty of nourishing, delicious food to eat (In basic training, we got only 3-4 minutes to shove as much fuel into our bodies as humanly possible and I was too busy crying from being yelled at to do more than choke a few bites down between sobs.), I work a measly 30-35 hours a week (as opposed to all day every day in basic and at the fish cannery), I have wonderful friends, and I get to travel Europe in my spare time.

What's not to love about life? (At the risk of sounding sappy, even the bad times teach us how to appreciate the good times.)

[valeo]

-At a great concert, that moment where the energy coming off the stage is the same as the energy in the crowd, and everything just seems to be in sync.
-the serenity of a dawn patrol. Just you, your thoughts, and the water.
-carving a big hill on my longboard
-those moments when you feel nothing but peace, and all is right with the world.
-when a song that comes on matches your mood perfectly
-that feeling when you pop up and first drop in on a wave
-the adrenaline rush that comes with making a great play(in any sport)
-sunrise/sunset over the water
-the satisfaction of a job well done/hard days work

[Flail]

I love:

- Australia. 6th generation and loving it
- Exmouth/Ningaloo (leaving tommorow)
- Spearfishing where you know there is a chance of sharks. Thrill.
- Getting obliterated on tequila and eating the scorpion. "THERES SCORPION IN MY TEETH!"
- Jameson
- That magic moment where I'm beyond drunk, and blow a cloud of cheap cigar smoke at a light and am totally at peace with the world
- Laughing at my 'straightlaced' friends chugging goon from the cask
- Poontang. (both the word and the meaning)
- Talking abbo to my half caste mates
- Kangaroo hunting
- Hunting
- Massive lists..

[ODEN]

-College: Where every night was a party waiting to happen

-The gym: Over here a dusty plywood shack is all you get...it works alright but there are no spandex clad women on stairsteppers anywhere in a climate controlled environment.

-That feeling when you are preparing to attempt a personal best on a particular lift, you start your favorite adrenaline song and the rush hits you like a ton of bricks.

-Taco Bell: The Baja Gordita

-Sitting in my apartment drinking cold beer, watching ESPN Sunday Night Football and being able to get a pizza delivered to your door with a phone call.

-Women: Just being at a bar and hitting on women or flirting with hot women you work with.....none here of either kind.

-Seeing a live concert.

-Coaching Pop Warner.

-Hiking Acadia National Park.

-Playing with my dog.

-Going bar hopping with the guys, even the nights that end in drunken brawls.

-Shooting pool, drinking beer and playing the juke box all night.

-Home cooked meals.

-Hanging out with my dad. Building motorcycles or framing a house. For that matter working hard labor in Maine in the winter. Whether it is laying out and placing underground pipe or doing carpentry. After a 10 hour day in the snow wearing Carhartts and cold you really feel good.

[jlgolson]

THOSE GODDAMN COCKSUCKERS AT BANK OF AMERICA CHARGED ME FOUR TIMES FOR OVERDRAFTS. OK MAYBE ONE OF THOSE WAS NECESSARY BUT ALL FOUR WEREN'T A 34 DOLLAR FEE FOR GOING 3 DOLLARS OVER MY BALANCE? TRY NOT PAYING THE CHARGE IF I DON'T HAVE THE PROPER BALANCE YOU FUCKING PRICKS. IF I DON'T GET MY MONEY BACK I AM GONNA SWITCH BANKS YOU GODDAMN FUCKS.

edit: I am going to call and be really nice, but this is what I'm actually thinking.

I have actually always had good experiences with BayBank, then BankBoston, then Fleet and Bank of America but to charge me $34 for four separate overdrafts under 12 dollars each is just ridiculous. Deny the charge like you are supposed to. Don't charge me a "service fee" for doing me the "courtesy" of paying for my groceries when I have cash.

[fangboner]

I hate when I see people circling for close parking spaces at the fucking gym. Hey fatty, you are there, presumably, to work out. Walking the extra fifty yards is not going to kill you. Or maybe it will. And it's not just fattys I see doing this . It's also middle age soccer moms driving their husband's BMW, talking on their cell-phone about how great little Suzy did in dance class. Fucking lazy fucks.

[BowChickaBowBow]

I've had just about enough of this fucking I-10 "widening" project. IT'S BULLSHIT AND I SIMPLY CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! If I lose another God damn hubcap by hitting a pothole, I swear to Buddha, someone will feel my wrath! Do you KNOW how embarrassing it is to have to pull over and chase down those fuckers??? Only to have some self-righteous construction worker come to my aid with his fucking rubber hammer and a grin???? Huh?? Do YOU? I want to grab the mallet with the swiftness of a ninja and beat his ugly mullet havin' ass around my Volkswagen Jetta until his cohorts pull me off of his lifeless, bloody body. I spit on you.

Here's a little lesson in highway etiquette, for all of you illegal aliens from Sonora, Mexico:
-The left lane is for passing. If I have to pass you on the right one more time, I will swerve into you numerous times until you hit the concrete barrier that blocks the above mentioned worker bees from oncoming traffic. I will be laughing like a madman the entire time and cussing you out in English. Be afraid, motherfuckers.

[sydney21]

Fuck you destiny for killing my boyfriend. He drove for a living, so how fair is it that he gets killed in a car accident?? He had just decided that getting me an engagement ring was way more important then his Harley Davidson fetish, which meant i was only months away from a fucking ring. Instead I have to plan a memorial service and deal with his fucking mom who thought I stole, when in reality, in my state of shock, I picked up his watch...

Fuck you Ford for not creating a car that sustain a full on roof accident and not kill the driver. Didn't you think it possible that a car will slide on its side and hit its roof?? Putting a little extra support there wouldn't hurt anything, it would be better then trying to get through life without my boyfriend.

Fuck you life for just kicking me in the vagina everytime i get happy. I'm going to end up the crazy lady with 30 cats and several dogs because my boyfriend was killed and I never got over it.

Life sucks...period

But thank you ativan for at least making the last week liveable.

[Binjo]

Short and sweet:

Fuck you, Terry Francona, for once again putting Mike Timlin in the game when you KNOW he has a serious inherited runners problem. Thanks to your shitty managing, the Red Sox blew an easy game to Tampa, and now the MF'n Yankees are in first place.

[Varega]

Yesterday, while in line to pick up some items at my local CVS, I had to witness a decrepit old mother deal with 1.99 flavoring. You spent 40 minutes yelling at the pharmacist, not disciplining your child, and generally be a complete asshole. You have no co-pay on your script, and I know it's not state assistance. As your kid is running around, causing havoc to the other customers, you have the fucking audacity to turn to me and say 'Can you fucking believe this prick?' So when you got insulted when I pulled out 2 dollars and said, 'I hope you're happy asshole. I'm a medical student, and I can spare 2 dollars,' and said it's the principle of the thing, because you haven't paid for a flavoring in 2 years, and they should give it to you free because you are causing a disturbance, I didn't believe you. When I told your kid to get the fuck next to your mother, you told me not to use that language with your kid.
Does it take much to be a stay at home housewife? Apparently not. There is nothing I hate more then having to deal with other people's children. Fuck you people who can't control your kids and go to doctors just to load them up on adderall. When your kid gets taken off it, don't be surprised if he runs to your local cocaine dealer to get his fix again, because you got him addicted to it. Good job, now go watch your soaps and be depressed that 'Rico' won't fuck you like you read in your romance novel. Don't fuck with Pharmacy, not only do the techs not get paid enough to deal with your bullshit, the pharmacists will NOT get fired. Ever. Just accept it, and go finger yourself to the View.

[sydney21]

You people think i was concerned about a ring? it was the fact that a man was giving up his lifelong dream to own a harley davidson to get me something, that is what is fucked up. this is a guy who had his throat slit by a terrorist in greece, had a hummer park on him, and had his ankle crushed when his team was landing a zodiac on a rocky beach (yet still completed his part of hte mission)...all he wanted in life was to own his own piece of americana, a harley. but he decided that he loved me more and wanted me to be happy and be his wife more then that and was going to take that money and ask me to marry him.....but instead, was killed.

He was a fucking NAVY SEAL and lived through countless gunfights, attacks, training missions and what not, but when he finally decided that he had met his soulmate, he was taken away. That is what is fucked up. Not that I didn't get a ring, but that I didn't get the chance to make him a father or let him wear a kilt at his wedding.

I doubt most people would understand what it is like to lose the person that completes them, as cliche as that sounds, but he did. I'm so angry at God, his mom, him, myself, and everyone that he didn't just walk away from the car accident.

Fuck all of you happy people, life isn't fair.

[jlgolson]

THOSE GODDAMN COCKSUCKERS AT BANK OF AMERICA CHARGED ME FOUR TIMES FOR OVERDRAFTS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH BANK OF AMERICA AND THEY HAVE A FIRE DRILL AND HAVE TO LEAVE. YOU MUST BE THE MOST USELESS BUNCH OF IDIOTS IN THE WORLD.

ARGHHH those fuckers are luck im not armed.

AND two more transactions bounced so I get charged another 68 for those. You know, because of the other $120 in fees.

[KungFu Mike]

Dear pink shirt-sporting fuck stain I met at the bar last night,

I do not care that you are originally from New York, nor do I remotely care about how you think that you are the greatest financial advisor that Morgan Stanley ever shit out of its gaping asshole after only nine months of experience. I tried to let that shit go with you without embarassing you in public - even though you were wearing that stupid pink shirt with the collar popped, but you had to keep pushing my buttons and telling me that you make more money than me and getting your fat friend to chime in and tell me how smart he was.

You are right. You guys are much smarter than me, that's why I got both of you to buy me shots of Patron for an hour and a half to try and patch things up with me, and then I had the bouncer (my roommate) kick both of you out on the sidewalk so I could make out with your girlfriend who wouldn't leave with you without having my eyes water from the shitty cologne you took a bath in before you came out. You are obviously the alpha male here, you are a big winner.

[ThePyroman]

As I'm writing my Resignation letter to my current (very soon to be former) Crazy Boss, I realized this is what I really wanted to say

To Crazy Boss

You are a schizophrenic, psychotic, obnoxious motherfucker. I hate working for you. Obviously, so dose every other person in the office, being everyone has quit on you within the last 72 hours. And your clients, who are firing you at a record rate. And your partner, who would rather take a financial hit than step into the office with you. I don't know why, maybe it's because you are a sick, sick man who refuses to take his prescribed psychiatric medications. So instead you SCREAM at random people/objects, whine like a little girl, piss & moan over every little necessary thing connected with the practice of law, and generally self-destruct like an asshole. Enjoy sitting in those big offices all by yourself with the phone ringing just for you every 2 minutes. I put the over/under of you killing yourself via shotgun at five days. I would give 2 weeks notice, but I fear you would either turn the gun on me first, or I would end up with brain matter spattered all over my nice suit, and that's a bitch for dry cleaning to get out.

~ ThePyroman

[jlgolson]

Fuck you ExGirlfriend.

Fuck you for cheating on me.

Fuck you for playing with my heart.

Fuck you for sleeping with my best friend.

Fuck you for my ability to overlook all these things.

Fuck you for IMing me last night and throwing jlgWorld into a tailspin.

I am so not over you.

Yes, this (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=115669#post115669) one (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=130446#post130446).

[cvann]

This fucking city stinks. It is so dirty and ghetto in Detroit proper that a third Snake Pliskin movie could be filmed here without any props, stage, or makeup work. The only people needed would be a director, Kurt Russell, and some seasoned combat photographers. Need an 8 ball, go to the corner. Need an AK, go to the corner. Need some niggers to shoot, go to the corner. That's it! With $20,000 you would have enough action to kick John Woo's ass, and enough drama to put fat ass Mike Moore out of business (I HATE that scumbag). Fuck him too.

[JagerBombs]

Why do I have a boss who has worked here for almost A YEAR and still has no clue how to UPS a fucking package? IDIOT.

[Esian]

Dear Coworker,

Lift your goddamn feet off the ground when you walk. I don't mind that you walk past me sixteen thousand times a day, I don't even really mind that every other time you ask me, "What else is new?" I only sort of mind that you are incompetant and have to ask for assistance constantly. I can forgive your stench as I know I rot like bar 3 days out of the week. But I cannot stand the sound of your feet shuffling along on the floor anymore.

Fix this soon, it most certainly is a matter of life and death.

[BowChickaBowBow]

On the highway, do you idiots even LOOK in your side or rearview mirrors before you change lanes??????????????? I was almost burned TWICE this morning in a fiery crash of VW Jetta and 1.)18-wheeler (some of you KNOW my intense fear of these) and then 2.)some motherfucking grandpa in a little Toyota truck!!!! I want to KILL people before I get my Venti White Mocha! Oh, and thanks God....I really wanted to start my fucking period on the same exact highway this morning, during all of this bullshit! I mean, who doesn't want to exit, flip a bitch, get back on that motherfucker and go back home, all the while, bleeding like a shot pig???? I always have an extra twenty minutes to spare so why the fuck not????? So my lunchbox consisted of a Hot Pocket, Soup-to-Go, a pair of panties and a tampon. I am SO running out of nice minutes today.

[SoylentGreen]

GOD DAMN!

I swear if one more of you worthless pea-brains adds me to your lothsome fucking Hi5 list. I will hunt you down and carve you into bird food.

EDIT:
You worthless fuckstain.

(Just wasn't mean enough.)

[Assnaked]

I would just like to stress the hatred I have for the fact I have to deal with taking orders from people that are much stupider that I am. Thank you recruiter for putting me in a shitty job full of stupid people that (most of the time, sometimes they listen to me) are too self-conscious of their rank to listen to someone a bit lower who has a much better idea.

Grrrr.

[Coquette]

Dear Offshore Tech Support Asshole Guy,

Just wanted to say thanks for completely fucking up my day. Want to know what I learned today? That you are a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT.

You don't know what a SKU is? Well, not everyone does, and that's ok. I didn't mind repeating it over and over. I looked the other way those ten times, because even though it is a critical part of the integration that you "support", maybe you were sick that day at class. Maybe your child was run over by a mule. Or maybe you are a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT.

Can't quite figure out "live chat", something your company presents as a selling perk? You accidentally hit the close button eight god damned times? No biggie. I wrote down my case number. All seven of them. Want to know why? Because you are a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT.

I won't even mention my database reconstruction that took two hours. Or the hours of work I'll be putting in this evening because of your amazing display of incompetence. Thanks again for everything.

Fondly,

Coquette

[SoylentGreen]

GOD DAMN!

Hi5


For fuck sake I can't believe I have to do this for you monkeys.

www.hi5.com

[cris8762]

FUCK YOU COLLEGE ROOMMATE!

Why the fuck do you have to wake me up at 7AM with FUCKING RADIOHEAD?! Of all the musical choices you could have made, RADIOHEAD WAS NOT A GOOD ONE ASSFUCK!!! Hearing some lame bitch wail about how his life sucks is not how I want to get up before I go to class. Another thing, NORMAL PEOPLE EAT IN THE DINING HALL! Why the FUCK are you bringing food back into our room, that SMELLS LIKE ASS, and eat it while I am trying to take a nap?!!?!?! That is completely disrespectful and bullshit.

I appreciate that you need to turn the light on to get dressed, but when I am trying to sleep, PLEASE TURN OFF THE GOD DAMN LIGHT WHEN YOU LEAVE ASSHOLE!!! I'm trying to fucking get some rest so I can take a test.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU ARE A VOCAL/MUSIC MAJOR. That STILL doesn't give you the right to FUCKING SING ALOUD to EVERY SONG I play. Kanye West does NOT appreciate you trying to sound like him OR his backup vocalists. YOU ARE A HORRIBLE SINGER AND A SHITTY GUITAR PLAYER, PLEASE STOP NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR FUCKING GUITAR!

Also, I swear to god, if I hear you moaning in the middle of the night I am going to suffocate you. . . .

[ditty989]

Dear Regional Transportation Commission (Las Vegas),

As I was driving home from work today, a random memory popped into my head. At some point in time, I seem to recall a commercial produced by your fine institution concerning traffic signals and their timing. I seem to remember a voice-over extolling the virtues of all the traffic lights in the valley being on one system, which would minimize the amount of time one would spend stopped at a red light. With this in mind, WHY THE FUCK WAS EVERY SINGLE LIGHT I PULLED UP TO CHANGING TO RED?? 15 out of 15 is not a good score to have in this game, folks, especially when 3 of said lights were within 500 feet of each other.

Please look into this matter, as it is going to cause an aneurysm to explode in my head. Thank you for your time.

Tim

[Russell Ziskey]

Dear girl from evidence class:

I understand that you don't like the professor. I understand that that you like to prove that he is wrong at every chance you get, even for the most minor issues. In fact, everyone in the fucking class understands this. Get over yourself.

What we don't need is you derailing class every chance you get. Keep the fucking side comments when you are called on to yourself. You are just wasting time and infuriating everyone. Listen, I don't really care that I am actually getting less class time because of you. I spend the entire class not paying attention and surfing the internet. The problem is that I hate you and that I, and everyone around me, find you to be very annoying.

The professor is smarter than you and he is a crazy old man. Get over it. You are not going to change the way he acts by being a bitch and you are not going to change the way he acts by making fun of him with snide comments.

P.S. - While you are not orca fat or anything, I would suggest that if you want to wear tight pants then try not to show your little fat pouch by wearing a shirt and jacket that show off your "stomach".

[NwYrkJm]

Dear Reliable Booty-Call Girl:

Why the fuck didn't you tell me that you have an STD before we fucked for the past 2 months? You are lucky my test came back clean, because I have a lot of gas and a lighter and I know where you live.

And no, I do not apologize for telling you to get out of my fucking car when you told me, stranding you on the highway. Get bent.

-NwYrkJm

[notarealname]

Dear Christian Troy,

WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! WHYWHWYHWYWHYWHYWHWYWHWWY!!!

[DelphicOracle]

early morning ass cold cock sucking motherfucking shitbagging hose hounding grumblefucker taint nibbling shaft slobbing prick fiending bitch of motherless whore PT.

FUCK PT
FUCK PT
FUCK PT
FUCK PT
FUCK PT

DelphicOracle
("physical training" - for you communist slobs)

[duke_ray]

To the person driving the beige Caddy near Wal-Mart on Pinhook,

I’m fairly certain that you, like me, were similarly relieved that we dodged another bullet when Hurricane Rita, like Katrina, tracked well away from our fair city. In fact, I am sure that you were discussing with the friend on sidewalk about how both of you emerged from the storm with no damage to your homes and that you and yours were safe and unharmed. I’ve had the same conversation with my various friends over the last several days. As we sat in that line of cars - you in the front, me in the back – waiting together for that arrow to turn green so that we could all make our left turn onto on of the busiest streets in town, I couldn’t help but notice how quickly you wrapped up your conversation, waved goodbye to your friend and made your way easily into the intersection. By “quickly”, of course, I mean that you only took 8 or 9 of the available 10 seconds available for a left turn to complete those tasks and make your exit, leaving the rest of us speechless and sputtering angrily into our windshields, unable to follow for another cycle of the lights.

You can rest easy knowing that I was unable to get your license plate or even a very good look at your face, so I will not be tracking you down to firebomb your house and then systematically and violently eliminating each of your descendants effectively stumping any further growth of your family tree that is most assuredly rotten to the very core with the same self-centeredness and stupidity you displayed today.

Kindest regards,

duke_ray

[The Good Doctor]

Dear Police,

Isn't the motto of the American police "To Serve And Protect"? Doesn't "serve" imply that you work for us, especially since our taxes pay your salaries? Exactly. That's what I was thinking. Then maybe you could tell me WHY YOU INSIST ON SETTING UP SPEED TRAPS DURING RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC INSTEAD OF STOPPING CRIMES? Why do you waste 80% of your day hassling the good people of this city?

Aren't there still crackheads, crack dealers, meth heads, meth labs, rapists, murderers, molesters, abusers, car thiefs, burglars, robbers, drunk drivers, negligent parents, white collar criminals, vandals, hoodlums, ne'erdowells and perps on the streets? Then why are you TERRORIZING and ANNOYING and PREYING upon the law-abiding taxpayers with these idiotic traffic citations?

Yeah, I realize you're the state's biggest moneymaking scheme, but for fuck's sake, I go seven miles over the speed limit and I have to take half a day off of work to go downtown and pay the $160 ticket in person. And do you know why I have to pay it in person? So the state can save money by not having to process the THOUSANDS of tickets they dole out via mail.

Can we not get you guys working FOR us, instead of annoying the everlovin piss out of us? Maybe once you get all the actual criminals off the street, I'll understand using your entire workday for ticketing everyone who doesn't make a full three-second stop when they're turning right on red.

And could you please just admit that you have ticket quotas? I've heard no less than three policemen interviewed on local news channels assuring the public that there are no such thing as these quotas. Look, unlike most of you, a lot of us can read past a sixth grade reading level and understand that when we see four times as many of you in the last five days of the month, THAT SOMETHING IS UP.

Hugs and kisses,
The Good Doctor

P.S. Is my license suspended or not? My insurance and the police officer who pulled me over say "no", but the retards at the Lincoln County Courthouse say it is.

[ThePyroman]

The Rolling Stones.

If you are any fan of Rock, or just want to see a good show, go to a Stones concert. You will not regret it.

[Hawaiian Samurai]

Dear Roommate:

You are quite possibly the messiest fuck that God has put into my path. If there was a picture next to the word "wastrel" in the dictionary, your scruffy ass would be it. Anytime that I, or anybody else that comes over and helps clean the apartment, I can guarantee that when you get home from your job whatever it is the fuck you do, you will leave your backpack and clothes all over the living room. You will go to the cupboard and take my plastic mug, fill it to the brim with ice (and fail to refill the ice tray, natch) and water, and ignore it as soon as you put in on your desk. There, you will log on to AOL and "freeform roleplay" as you put it, until you pass out in your chair. You will leave on all the lights and your obnoxious music while you do so.

In those rare cases you manage to drag yourself to your room, you leave your lights on, and fall asleep to near deafening levels of Cartoon Network reruns.

Whenever you cook something, you'll use every dish in the house, make just enough for yourself, and don't clean up after yourself. You will do as I ask only with threats of violence.

We've had talks about this. Now, I'm going to fucking yell and scream at you until you get it through your unwashed head that shit like this isn't going to be tolerated anymore. If that doesn't work, I'll just start punching you.

Fuck you.

[KentuckyGirl9484]

Dear ABC (alcohol tobacco bureau),
I hate you. You ruin all my fun almost every time I go out. I know that since I'm not 21 I'm not of legal age to drink in the U.S. but that is not my fault. You need to take that problem up with my mother and father because I am going to continue to drink. Although you have not busted me yet, you have been the root of many buzzkills at...the bar, tailgates, parties, and even sitting outside drinking with friends.
As for your little undercover men who have had numerous talks with me, I don't think they're slick, you should find new people. I don't hang out with white trash, so therefor dressing them like that at the bar will only cause me to make a speedy getaway. I have been cornered by them though, asking how old I am five times in a row is NOT smooth I will always reply with "I'm a sophmore."
In conclusion ABC...fuck you.

[Coxxy]

Stupid Bitch,

We are at work to get a job done. We are not here so that you can wrap brownies that are cut like footballs up in plastic wrap and tie little bows on them for your daughter's pep rally. This a waste of company time and it is putting you a step closer to receiving a flying dragon kick right in the puss. It wouldn't be so bad if this was the only thing you did to abuse company time.

The fact that you take a hour lunch break only to come back and eat at your desk while on the clock is fucking driving me insane. Not to mention that you do not use the company messaging system to ask and answer questions but you leave your desk to do these things. That system is in place so that you do not have leave that fucking pit you call a work area and can actually do your job. You are customer service rep, you are supposed to be there to answer your phone for the customers.

Another thing, no one gives a flying fuck about the football team that your daughter cheers for.

[Zambonian]

Never mind.

[KungFu Mike]

Hello pregnant co-worker,

You are my favorite and I love sitting next to you. You make work so much more interesting by changing the temperature of our office every 13 seconds because of your stupid fucking hormones bouncing around like the last Tic-Tac in the package. That makes me happy. You are neat.

I also like it when you give me a sand-in-the-vagina attitude about every small thing now that you have a tumor with eyes growing in your fetid womb. Telling me that "it's not your job" to let me know who just got transferred to my voicemail is much more fun than just letting me know that my secretary answered the phone before you. I heart being a verbal punching bag for someone's trophy wife, bearing the timeless "keep-a-nigga baby" so you may be forever adorned in jewels and minks. What a sweet deal!

How did your husband choose you? Was he blindfolded at a Hooters restaurant, spun in circles and told that the first set of tits he grabs would belong to his future bride to be...and once let loose he was jokingly led away from the buxom wait staff and into the kitchen where he bumped into the executive wing dipper that is you?

People like you make me smile. You also help me reinforce the fact that I will probably never get married, and if I do I just might adopt children so I wont have to contemplate bludgeoning my wife piece with a heavily lacquered chair leg because my baby batter made her crazy. I hope you never ever go on maternity leave, even though I have been hinting about that to you since I learned of your convenient little bundle of joy. That way we can be together for the remaining 137 days until you drool that walking money pit out of your crotch. I can't wait!!

[WillardSchreck]

Dear Over-The-Top-Extremely-Politically-Correct-Soccer-Mom-Bitch in the veal cube across from me,

Fuck you. Fuck you right in the ear. If I'm gonna spend almost an hour, hammering out the mother-of-all PL/SQL queries, and it doesn't work, yes...I AM gonna say "Goddammit!" at my monitor. Not "Cheese and Crackers." Not "gosh." Not "Darn." Your wretched ass is lucky I didn't scream "fuck you" at the top of my lungs.

If that's not bad enough, I find later that you're on the same committee as I am, in planning our company's halloween party. We had to spend a half hour hearing how you "don't celebrate halloween," how you refuse to allow people to wear "gory" or "scary" costumes because you don't think its tasteful, and why you feel it's unethical to spike the punch. FUCK YOU AND DIE. Now I'm gonna have to get out of this committee before I have some kinda 'Nam flashback, and end up going "OJ" on you.

Do yourself a favor. Go get a couple bottles of Cisco, and 8-ball, and live a little.

[FullTilt]

Stop using big words you don't understand, like 'endothermic'. It was forming ammonia gas as ammonia is very volatile in solution. No reactions actually take place. But a nice prank nonetheless.

Ok cock sucker, how about I simply define endothermic?

Endothermic: A reaction in which outside sources lend energy to the reaction, ie, the reaction requires outside energy to happen.

For ammonium [liquid] (NH4) to become Ammonia [gassious] (NH3) some shit has to happen. I'm sure even the fucking McDonald's workers who read these threads would have to agree.

There's nothing in that sentence that came from any fuckin dictionary, nothing I cut and pasted.

Tell me I don't know what I'm talking about you dick sucking muther fucker. Seriously, do you really think I've worked in a nuclear reactor plant, hold a degree in atomic physics, and worked in reactor chemistry for 6 years and don't know what the fuck Endothermic means?

Seriously, there are some words that, if you see someone use them you have to give credit that they know what they mean.

You're an idiot dude... plain and simple, you're a fucking moron.

p.s. I know this should go in the "Funny rep comments" section, but since this is a section for rants, and I needed to rant, and no one's allowed to respond, fuck it. This idiot needed to be put in his place and this is the only thread I could think of that was applicable. Not to mention the red dots I've gotten for ranting a red dotter who didn't know his ass from Heidi Klum's twat which I posted in the rep points thread. Fuck it, I wish I had tits to post in the member's boobie forum.

[FullTilt]

Fuck man... I need to rant myself for typing so god damn much about stupid shit when I'm drunk

[slightlydainbramaged]

I don't ask for a lot. I have to work tonight. No big deal. It is slow and I can lock myself in my office and surf the internet. And I smuggled in a TV that I am not supposed to have. I tapped into the hotel's cable system and now I have all the channels. No one will know because my office door is locked and I am the only one with a key. Sounds good right? The Rutgers game is on right now too. I really want to watch that game considering I have money riding on it. Real money, not free TM/GM gambling tournament money (though that's riding on it too). So I eat dinner, retreat to the hellhole that is my office and turn on the game.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS SHITTY HOTEL HAVE ESPN, ESPN NEWS, ESPN CLASSIC, BUT NO MOTHER FUCKING ESPN2?

Seriously, what the fuck. Now what the fuck am I going to do? I will tell you. I will turn on some shitty sitcom while compulsively checking the fucking score of the game. I am superstitious too so that means that Rugers won't cover and I am out 100 bucks. And so is everyone else who bet Rutgers to cover. You can thank this shitty hotel that doesn't have fucking ESPN2. Fuck.

[-jess-]

Yes, honey. I did tell you to go ahead and join your little dart tournament thing with people from work.

I did say that it doesn't matter that you work almost an hour away and would therefore have to play darts out there. It's fun. Socialize with your coworkers.

And it's so nice you go out Friday nights for drinks and practicing your dartsmanship. I can go out and do my thing, or stay home and enjoy my alone time.

I did give you crap for coming home drunk the past couple times you went out. Not so much that you were drunk, but that you made that long ass drive drunk. Driving drunk is dumb. And I did, in fact, say that it would be better for you to just call me up and I'd come get you. When really it'd be better for you to just not drink so fucking much so you could get your ass home.

So, just now you called me. "Do you think you'd drive to Rockford tonight so I can drink more? I'll make it worth your while. heheh"
Which is sort of nice, I'll get laid. You'll be drunk which means it'll take you hours to cum, and I'll get to have 15 or so orgasms.

So, I'll come pick you up, I'd rather you didn't get into some drunken accident. And I won't do the whole alcoholic I drink alone thing tonight that I was planning on doing.

But this means that I'll have to take you back there tomorrow morning before you have to go to work. Then drive from Rockford, IL to Milwaukee WI, then back to Janesville Saturday. Fuck. I've so fucked myself.

And to top it all off, I left my fucking contribution envelope for the Diabetes Walk at work, and I called in sick today, so Sunday morning, I'll have to drive an hour + to pick it up from work, then head over to the fucking walk and be there before the walk starts at 8am.

Fuck.

[JudiBootie]

For the love of god, STOP SUCKING YOUR TEETH! You keep a fucking toothbrush and dental floss at your desk for Jeebus' sake. USE THEM.

And you aren't a supervisor, so stop acting like one.

And "ranned" isn't a word.

AND justbecauseyouralmostfortyandI'mnotdoesn'tmeanyou' resmarterthanme. At least I finished college.

[Kcaz]

Topless beaches.

Sounds like a great idea, doesn't it?

I just spent the day on a topless beach and even Tequila No Training Wheels doesn't have enough fire to burn those images off my retinas. Why is it that grandma leather-bags never leaves my field of vision? How come, when I do see a decent pair of boobies, my fiancee saw them way before me and is watching me to see my reaction? How come when my fiancee takes off her top, every perv from miles around is allowed to freely ogle?

Topless beach, I thought you would be cool; instead, you were a huge disappointment. Excuse me while I go look at the member's boobie thread.

[jlgolson]

FUCK YOU FOX FOR YOUR GODDAMN SPLIT SCREEN I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GODDAMN INDIANS. SHOW ME THE RED SOX YOU GODDAMN TWATS.

I need to destress my life.

[T-Watling]

Dear Crazy Bulgarian bitch in my econ class. You are an idiot a complete fucking idiot. I hate you I really, really fucking hate you. Why must you be there every day, looking worse and worse, everyday you get uglier but you still feel the need to wear less and less clothing. Must you ask 'Why?' To anything said in the class room. There is no need to ask why every single fucking thing, facts are there to be accepted. Please can you close your legs; I have to sit opposite you five days a week for the next year I do not want to see what you have to offer, ever. Do not flash me outside of class ever again in your life; you are disgusting in every single way. When you see me out of school in a bar i'm ok if you wish to buy me drinks all night and give me money that I can live with, however if you ever try to sit on me, lap dance me or touch me again I will cut you up.

[sporting16w]

Dear Dumb Ass CEO:

We are going down, fast. The company has had negative cash flow for the past 3 years, and shit is really bad. You, you dumb fuck, decided to have the licensing agreements signed through the parent company in Europe. Brilliant move, asshole. That is 180 million a year, going into the coffers of another company. A company that doesn’t kick us back anything. Yes, you get a bonus based on it, but that doesn’t help.

That being said, why did I need to come into the office on Saturday, when you know that I had plans. The presentation is fine; you have seen me do it before. We are not going to get the business. There are other companies that have a better product at a lower cost. The main benefit for retailers not doing business with us is YOU. That’s right, no one wants to deal with you.

Listen you brought me in, 2 years ago because of my track record of fixing small companies that are in trouble. Yeah I’m 30 and 10 years younger than any other executive in the place. Who cares? If you let me, I will be able to fix this mess. Just stay the fuck out of my way. The company is fine; it is you and your friends that are sinking the ship. You realized that you needed help, you found me, and now you nitpick everything. We make great products, everybody knows our brand name (it has a fucking 99% unaided awareness), and our warranty is the best in the business. Let’s stick to our core products, and stop fucking with shit you think is cool. How did that cell phone idea work out asshole?

So, after working a 10-hour day on Saturday, do you really think I am going to try that hard in the sales pitch tomorrow? It’s 9:30 and I am posting on a message board.

HAHAHAHAHAH.

[fattunesy]

The grocery store in the ghetto immediately following the first of the month...made my bad day into a great one.

Listening to Southern rock in a Southern town ith Southern women.

[Placebo]

Mother fucking cock gobbling pork swallowing bitch ass fucking cunt mother pissing fuck assess!!! I pressed 0 for the operator 3 times already, if it isn’t a valid extension, DON’T TELL ME TO PRESS 0 FOR THE OPERATOR! Now I am on hold and there are 18 people ahead of me? Estimated hold time of 1 hour 10 minutes, FUCK YOU!

I hate tax offices. I hope everyone that works there contracts crotch rot and are never able to enjoy sexual pleasures again. Thank you.

[WickedBitch]

Nothing irks the piss out of me more than whispering to someone and getting "HUH?" really fucking loud as a response. How much of an idiot are you if you can't tell that someone is whispering because they don't won't other people to hear the conversation.

Example: I walk into bosses office, stoop over a little bit and begin whispering about a client that is out in the "waiting area" not ten feet away. To which boss responds "HUH?" REALLY FUCKING LOUD.

My husband does this too if I'm whispering about something I don't want the kids to hear. Husband goes "WHAT?" and then our curious 6 year wants to know what we were talking about.

Is this a man thing?

[DJE]

Further Rant About The Black Co-Worker In My Dept

(Continued From This Rant) (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=116215#post116215)


Orchard Beach or HOWARD Beach?
Just making innocent conversation, I asked you about City Island in The Bronx. I knew you'd been to some of the restaurants in that area. Orchard Beach is an actual park/beach right near City Island. When I asked if you'd ever been to Orchard Beach, you yelled "Orchard Beach, they don't let BROTHAS go there!" Knowing that the Bronx is primarily black/spanish, this statement baffled me. All I could say is "huh?" You then proceeded to go on about how whites used to live in NYC, but moved out to the suburbs when the minorities came around. You even dropped the name of my own suburban hometown, which was obviously a personal jab directed at me. When I questioned you further, you persisted "you've never heard of racist incidents at Orchard Beach??" I said "do you mean HOWARD Beach, in Queens?" At least at this point, you realized you were wrong, and admitted it.

For Christ Sakes, black co-worker in my dept, I was just trying to make friendly conversation about restaraunts in TheBronx. You turned it into a racist tirade, citing an incident from back in the 80s that had nothing to do with what we were talking about.


Minority Intern
We had a high school intern in August, who happened to be Spanish. He rec'd some training, but mostly just sat around doing nothing. The intern let it slip one day that he was making $10 an hour. (not bad, I wasn't making that much in high school) Anyway, our company is in major debt, possible bankruptcy. Amongst each other in our dept, we always ponder ways that the company wastes money. One day, I questioned why the company hired a paid intern, who did nothing, when we knew we were in debt. You yelled "don't ever deny a minority a chance to make money!!!" Gimme a break. We've argued before about how the company wastes money shipping overnight versus a stamp, which is less than 8 dollars wasted. But just because this intern was Spanish, it makes sense the company spent a couple grand paying him $10 an hour for 6 weeks? We didn't even need his help.



And let's even get off all the racial stuff you stir up...you are STILL an annoying co-worker. You are "that guy": the guy who's been on the job for years, and constantly feels the need to put newer employees in their place (me being the newer employee)

If you catch one of my mistakes, you rub it in, and dwell on it. If I catch one of your mistakes, which does happen, you get overly defensive and pissed off. You seem to get jealous if calls from other dept's come thru to me. (Why are they asking the new guy questions, not me?) You get mad if I'm helpful to co-workers, more helpful than you are. Honestly, I'm not trying to be the hero and out-perform you. I don't have an agenda to become supervisor, either. This is just me, I try to work well with other depts, and I try to do a good job.

Just as I left today, I saw that you were processing an order to the wrong location. I didn't correct you, because I knew no matter how politely or respectfully I did it, you'd be pissed that the new guy was pointing out your mistake.

Fuck You, black co-worker in my department.

EDIT: Maybe you think that by stirring up all this racial stuff, you are enlightening me or something. Wrong! I went to public school, and church, with plenty of black & spanish people. Nothing new to me. If anything, you are making things worse. You're making me see how much white people are hated by people like you, so what's the point in even trying to relate to each other?

[Coquette]

Dear (Shitty) PT Cruiser Driver,

Thank you for making my commute nearly double this evening. Do you mind if I make a few friendly suggestions?

* If you insist on driving 10 below the posted speed limit (which is THIRTY FIVE, by the way. Twenty five is about as fast as your car would go if the wind blew it), please stay out of rush hour traffic. I understand we're traversing the countryside, and this time of year, the leaves are pretty and all. But I've just put 10+ hours in, and I need a drink. So, you know, move along.

* Your car handles for shit in turns. It makes absolutely no sense to actually speed up, only to slam on your brakes in the apex of said turn. It WILL cause an accident, and your precious faux-wood panelled car will be no more than a small ball o' steel. So, stop that, too.

* I see you on your cell phone. That's fine, there's a pretty good chance I'm on mine, too. The difference is I don't turn into worthless fuck when I'm on mine. I can still use my turn signal. I don't merge into oncoming traffic. And I don't flail frantically when I lose a call IN THE COUNTRY.

So keep these handy pointers in mind, Shitty PT Cruiser Driver. Because if you don't, there is an excellent chance I will hunt you down and sell you to the French as shark bait.

With warm regards,

Coquette

[Jme]

Dear Driver of the Red Chevy:

Fuck you for turning the corner too fast.

Fuck you for hitting my car and running off instead of having the balls to knock on the door.

Fuck you for the deductible I'll be out when it gets fixed.

Fuck you for the gas I wasted driving around my neighborhood looking for you.

Thanks for nothing, asshole.

[Frisco Kid]

Goddamn you work. Somehow, people have been snitching on certain other people for being on the internet too long during work hours. Now they are putting in software to audit everyone's internet usage. What fucking assholes. What the hell am I going to do for entertainment now, work? Hell no. Gotta figure something out. This sucks. Goodbye TMMB during work hours...
(I'm sure some of you are happy... I on the other hand, am not)
PS. It's not that the site is blocked, they are just going to be monitoring time spent on the internet, but I'm not sure if they will be able to see where I'm on. And since this site is this site, and I write the things I do, I don't want to take the chance. Fuck, my job sucks. Too bad I need it.

[Tenga Ray]

Do any of you know what it's like to live the ultimate contradiction? To be sobbing uncontrollably because your family who are 400 miles away just spent 2 hrs making you feel like you are the worst person a live and then checking your email to find notes from your friends like "you are such a sweetheart" and "you are so great."

It sounds stupid but it hurts so much to have such a wide gap between what my family thinks of me and what the rest of the world thinks. It makes me constantly question myself. It makes me hate myself because if my own family can't stand me and does their best to hurt me from 400 miles away...who would ever really like me for the real me?

Then, to make the tears worse...the only place I feel like talking about it is a messageboard full of strangers. I don't even trust my friends enough to call them with this... I'm so great....such a sweetheart.

This is still that little girl pain that just doesn't seem to go away. The soundtrack of my life has been them blaming their problems on me...and I'm tired. It just hurts too much.

Ok, that's my rant. It's been a good day but a bad day...my mentor's brother died unexpectedly so that's very sad. They were close and he was young. I just never feel more alone than when I realize no matter what I accomplish in life, my family will still not like me.

I need a happy pill please.

[jlgolson]

I don't think I've ever read an article (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4279486) that I could relate to more.

GPRS has been down on my Sidekick all day and I keep reaching for it to check for email and getting nothing. Goddamn thing really is like crack.

Fuck you T-Mobile. Fix that shit.

They said it'd be back up by midnight. We'll see.

[Assnaked]

I would like to put one down for cock-blockers. Hey you; those who Cannot Get Pussy in the Realm of Floating Around Snatch: go ahead and talk to mine, evem thuogh you have little to no gaem and (regardeless of yourr intentions) plan on fucking up what has been laid down as "you have been cleared for fire"


A Bud Light for you. Since you have no concept of getting pussy. You just knocked on my door, looking for (surprise!) the girl that you subjected me to the no pussy from.'

no biig deal

Seriously though, What The Fuck?

I can barely see the letters. I'm alone.

I know you (bein StupidFuck) can read this, but still. I'm slightly aggrafated.


OK.

Man.

Sleep. Is. Good.

ihave fruit punmch at my disposal......

[taves]

Why do I keep getting sick? I am usually the most healthy girl ever! First it's two weeks of fainting spells and a cloudy head. Then I get a few days of bliss, finally feeling well. Now I have a shitty, shitty cold. What is the deal? At least I have drugs left over from the fainting that will help me with the damn cold.....I can't wait to be better and at 100% for more than three days.

[Traffic Goddess]

MOTHERFUCKINGRATBASTARDCOCKSUCKER.....what the FUCK is with men when they hit a certain age? Do you worthless cocksuckers purposely decide to regress to toddler self-centered behavior because you might be in mid-life crisis?

What fucking purpose does a man of a certain age have for a fucktard looking DARTH VADER costume that costs EIGHT-HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS? Is it to wear on your Harley motorcycle that you suddenly felt the urge to buy, even though you look like a pathetic geezer trying to "hang" with the "cool crowd"? Do you really think that ANY fucking women are going to look twice at you except to point and laugh their asses off? What part of your sad little mind thinks that having that new Mustang will make your tiny penis grow?

Did I miss a goddamn announcement that men of your age should run out and spend lots of money on things that no rational adult would be caught dead in?

You rotten, cocksucking son of a bitch...I hope you slide under a fucking tractor trailer on your little motorcycle. Let the motherfucking FORCE be with you then, because I sure as fuck will not.

[sk1917]

What the hell is wrong with you? I know that you have a thing for Asain women because you can pay them less and they "do their job" without questioning you. Now don't get me wrong, most of the women you have hired have a firm grasp of the English language and if they dont understand something then they ask you to repeat it. Or if they dont understand it they ask for you to explain it so they can understand.

The new girl? She doesnt speak a word of fucking English! Oh I am sorry she does speak one word, her favorite, which happens to be "ok!" Every answer is "ok" and everytime I explain something to her it's "ok." If she says "ok " to me one more time I will seriously punch that bitch in the face. You just called me into your office because you got into trouble for the revenue report being completely fucked up. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT! I help you out when I can so for you to yell at me for the report being wrong is not only annoying it's fucked up.

The revenue report is the new girl's responsibility not mine. Yes I tried to help her last month with the figures and project codes so she could understand. What did she say to me..."OK!" Oh and by the way since you seem to be blaming me for this incident I am now forwarding you all emails that went between me and the new girl. Including the one where I fucking spelled out to her how to do the fucking report. Did I mention that I am not an accountant? The only way she wouldn't understand it is if she was operating at a 5th grade reading level or if she couldn't read English. BINGO ASSHOLE she cannot read, speak, or understand our language. She has been here for 5 months and her English has gotten worse because she takes every opportunity to speak Chinese to the other women in the deparment.

I am now going to do everything in my power to ensure that this whore's green card gets taken away and she is repatriated to China. FUCK YOU, YOUR REVENUE REPORT, AND YOUR NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING CHINESE NATIONAL BITCH.

[T-Watling]

Dear Crazy Bulgarian bitch in my econ class. You are an idiot a complete fucking idiot. I hate you I really, really fucking hate you. Why must you be there every day, looking worse and worse, everyday you get uglier but you still feel the need to wear less and less clothing. Must you ask 'Why?' To anything said in the class room. There is no need to ask why every single fucking thing, facts are there to be accepted. Please can you close your legs; I have to sit opposite you five days a week for the next year I do not want to see what you have to offer, ever. Do not flash me outside of class ever again in your life; you are disgusting in every single way. When you see me out of school in a bar i'm ok if you wish to buy me drinks all night and give me money that I can live with, however if you ever try to sit on me, lap dance me or touch me again I will cut you up.


To the same bitch,

Why? I was in a bar talking to some woman with my buddy and you walk in, looking like you just got sexually assaulted by a football team. Why did you feel it necessary to scare the shit out of the hot woman I was talking to? You stupid fucking bitch, I was about to go home and score but no, you decide to tell them to fuck off? I hope you die.

[Druncles]

- The feel of my english grip (straight stock) .12 gauge shot gun and the weight of it resting on my shoulder as I walk through a small stand of aspen.

- Watching the bird dogs work the scent of a grouse and that sound of the flutter when it finally flushes.

- Sitting in the woods on a beautiful, cool, clear morning waiting for your game to come into your bait pile, when you would normally be at work.

[The Jimmy]

Damn you guys! I'm really tired of you introducing me to everyone as the funniest person you know. I can't even begin to explain how frustrating it is watching them hang on to my every word, just waiting on something hilarious to be said. It doesn't work that way. When I'm relaxed and having fun, it comes naturally. You have no idea what a mental block it creates when you apply that type of pressure. It's also great to know that once I walk away, they'll be discussing how truly unfunny I am. Just leave that part of the introduction out, and I'll be just fine. Thanks again guys for all the support! Next time we should discuss the hilarity that was the time you had the clap.

[Virginia]

Hi Credit Card People who call me with numbers that say "000000000" or "Anonymous" so I can't call you back, would it be so difficult to explain what you mean by "Prepaid Mastercard Card"? Why do you need my phone number, which you have since you CALLED ME, before telling me how much I'm supposed to give you for the privilege of your card? And why do you say "Mastercard Card"? Is there a Mastercard of another sort I'm unfamiliar with? A line of shoes, perhaps, or maybe a brand of cigarettes? Also, why oh why are you rude and condescending to the point where I spew things like "Rude-ass pussy bitch" and other expletives? And finally, why do you call back? Do you like the abuse?

And to whatever part of my body secretes the hormone that tells vagabonds to follow me and try to fuck with me: STOP. I don't know if this happens to all women or if I am just a lucky girl, but I would like to be able to have one night where I'm not cursing myself for not owning Mace because some motherfucker is following me or trying to grab my arm or just generally freak me out. And no, I'm not some dipshit traipsing around in dangerous areas going "lalalalla" like some Disney cartoon, completely blind to whatever's going on. I just live in Atlanta, where the main streets can turn from classy to ghetto by a storefront or streetlight.

[Van Bro]

Why can't cell phone branches/stores understand that when you have consistantly 50+ people in your store every hour that you should have more than two service people working? If you go to any cell phone branch now, its literally the new-age DMV -- greeted by fat, goth chick behind a "hostess" stand asking what your problem, followed by your name appearing on the plasma tv in a wait line, and then learning that there happens to be only one "tech" guy working. What the fuck is up with that? Who has time for shit like this?

Also, in this day and age, who the hell actually goes anywhere to pay their bills? With the convenience of automatic withdrawal, general online bill pay, or even old-fashioned mail service, why even bother yourself? I snickered as this brutha in front of me didn't even bat an eyelash when the girl told him his bill was over $300+ as he calmly pulled out his wad of cash. Who carries around money like that? With his fresh FUBU gear on, I estimated he must've been an engineer of sorts.

Also, when the cell phone companies tell you that they can export your phone book from one to phone to another, that's supposed to be a convenience thing, right? Its supposed to make it easier for you, right? So why did they tell me it was going to take an HOUR to do it, and that I could leave the phone with them and come back. An hour? Seriously? If you had 100 numbers in your phone, how long do you think you could manually input them in on your new phone? 5 minutes? 10 max? Unbelievable.

Avoid cell phone stores at all costs.

[KungFu Mike]

You know what's awesome? Getting a ride to a college campus by your roommate who swears that he is going to take you our for a fun night on the town...only to get fucking arrested five minutes later for walking around with an open container, therefore losing your ride home and being forced to stay on said shitty college campus until 4 in the morning looking for a ride that doesn't involve a taxi and $50, and you conveniently lose your cell phone in the middle of all of this which whittles your options down to calling the only numbers you can remember, which in turn effectively renders you useless today because you are running off of cheap energy drinks and two hours of sleep because if there is a God, he sure as hell DOESN'T WANT YOU TO LIVE ONE FUCKING DAY WITHOUT SUFFERING BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY PUT YOU ON THIS PLANET SO HE CAN GET SOME EXCERCISE USING YOUR SOUL LIKE A HEAVY BAG. FUCK.

[graffin226]

Hey, here's a thought. Lets by REALLY long shorts. So goddamned long that they go down to the bottom of our shins. That would be so cool, and look so good.

Hey moron! Shorts that go all the way down to your feet? We got them already. They're called "Pants"

Go fuck yourself and your oversized clown-shorts, jerkoff.

Oh! And while you're at it, turn your motherfuckin hat around...or better yet, just fucking take it off. You're not playing baseball, and this isn't middle school anymore.

[Misplaced Texas]

OK....Here goes...

Now, first off, I'm a Texan & proud of it!

I've been living in Seattle for the last six years and it sucks!

They claim to be a liberal progressive city and it's anything but! The stupid city councel decided that because we're so progressive you can't drink in strip bars (a long time ago) and now they think the customers should be 4 feet away from anyone working there! No lap dances, no direct tipping, and no fucking drinking! Not that I'm a strip bar junkie, but when I'm going out with some friends it'd be great to go to a strip bar, have some drinks, buy each other lap dances and talk about how all the girls really like us!

If that's not enough, I just had to pay $400 for my car tabs because I live in the city! For the monorail that won't be built...This city pisses me off more than all any other place that I've been (and that includes S.F.!)

Don't ever move here, I can't wait to get out and get back home to Dallas where for $200K I can buy a great house with a pool, nice yard, in a good neighboro hood! Where here I can't even get a 2Br condo in my neighboro hood (lower queen anne, near the space needle) for under 500K! Fuck this place!

If you are thinking about moving here get ready to be pissed off no matter if your liberal or a redneck like me!

[FullTilt]

Golden Tee.

I never play you, because I fucking hate you.

I hate you, because every fucking time I play you, I manage to injure myself in some way by trying for that 350 yard drive.

I got drunk, my buddy likes golden tee.

Every time I type with the middle finger on my right hand, it hurts.

Fuck you.

(That was like, long, free form haiku. I'd rule if my finger didn't fucking hurt, or maybe not. Fuck Golden Tee)

[GolfingAndy]

Dear Penis,

Why is it you and my dear friend alcohol can't get along? You would think that after years of hanging out together you would be able to coexist, but NOOOOO!!! You had to go and fuck things up last night! Not only was that dumb cunt married, but she was hanging out with her single mom. You could have pulled some sort of trifecta or something. Never again do I want to hear you place the blame of you not being able to do the job on alcohol. LEAVE HIM THE FUCK OUT OF IT! We, like us, are never seperating so you might as well get used to the idea. So the next time a drunk married chick invites you to the bathroom to fuck, do not get to the stall and open your fucking idiot mouth while she's pissing and blame the shit on alcohol! Learn to love each other. Please.

Love,
Me

P.S. Her husband of six months must be so proud.

[abbalish]

Can the man at the sketchy place where I buy my cigarettes be any more disgusting? When I ask how he is, can he say something other than "Better, now that I've seen you?" Can he get some fucking dentures? Can he realize that he's approximately 70 years older than I am? Can he not gaze at me toothlessly as I am putting my change away?

I feel as though I've been raped with his eyes every time I leave...ugh, I need a shower.

[BamBoozled]

Could that chick who comes to my store every other day for a pack of smokes be any more of a frigid cocktease?

Can that trollop learn to take a simple compliment without shuddering? Could she quit staring at my goddamn teeth? I lost them in WW2. Far as I'm concerned, that bitch owes me.

I've feel as though she majored in "woman's studies", and likes to rub my nose in her mistake every time she needs a nic fix.

I need a good spongebath. Where's that blonde nurse who keeps taking pictures of her tits in the waiting room when she thinks noone's watching...

[Misplaced Texas]

Not that I really give a shit about what anyone here thinks about me, but it's really stupid to give negative validation points but if your going to give anything negative and be too much of a pussy to leave your alias here...don't, you have no balls! Faggot! Oh, yeah, and fuck off!

[mikester]

I miss:

-The taste of local microbrews while sitting on my couch.
-The women who realize they can dress differently than one another.
-General rules of politeness which, incidently, seem to not exist in Europe.
-Driving my car.
-American sports. I want to see Football, Hockey, Golf, and the occasional soccer game from my favorite team. And I want Sportscentre, TSN, et al. with up to date reports for me.
-Internet in my room.
-Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, Fries without Mayo, a good Steak, good Pizza (and delivery), and a decent submarine sandwich.
-The ability and right to walk around in sweats.
-My favorite used bookstore back home.
-Cheap food.
-Not having to pay for use of a washroom.
-And normal toilets. None of this 'landing pad' bullshit.
-Talking to my family on a regular basis.
-My weekly Hold Em' game with the guys.
-Thanksgiving, Halloween, May 24, Canada Day, etc.
-The family cottage. Grabbing a fishing rod at 6AM and sitting in some remote part of the forest by the river all day.
-BBQ.

[QuietSpeed]

Dear Fox,
Thanks, thats all i have to say. First, you let me watch that oh-so-enjoyable 14-12 THRILLER that was Bucs/Jets and now you send me to some wonderful BONUS coverage of Bears-Browns...wow...I could not be happier. No, I don't mind that the game was a 10 point game with 3 mins to go, and the Bears have the offensive capacity of a pee-wee football team. Nor do I care that the Flacons had just tied it up in Atlanta against the Pats, why would i want to watch that??? Hell, I'd have even taken Rams-Seahawks. Don't worry that the game acutally has meaning. Good choice.

Now I'm going to watch the worst undefeated team (Redskins) in the NFL play another shootout of a game in Mile High. Thanks for not putting my Eagles on TV....I dont want to watch them.

Jesus, I need DirectTV.

Love,
QuietSpeed


ps~ yes I realize that the Pats-Falcons game is being covered by CBS...I'm just saying they could have at least put a better game on. On that note why does CBS insist on showing me the end of the 35-17 shitfest that was Ravens-Lions instead of the last 3 mins of a 28-28 game? Asshats.

[WillardSchreck]

Dear Bud Selig, and all of corporate Major League Baseball

Do the little walnuts in your heads have the capacity to retain information from back in 2002? Now, I KNOW 99% of America didn't care about the Cardinals/Diamondbacks series that October. Still, Bud...you looked into the camera, apologized to baseball fans everywhere for such a late starting gametime, and promised that this would never happen again. "No more late start times again," is what you said.

What fucking hypocrites you all are. Shame on you. Bud, you are a whore. You are a worse liar than Raffy Palmeiro.

Here it is, 2005, and Cardinals fans in St Louis (once again) were treated to a 10:00pm start to their baseball game. Fuck you. Whichever corporate lackey thought up the idea that only one game comes on at a time...fuck you. Whichever corporate lackey thinks America truly gives a rat's ass about watching the Yankees AGAIN,...fuck you. We don't even care about the CALIFORNIA Angels (oh, and fuck you Arturo Moreno...you're not fooling anyone by calling them the "Los Angeles" Angels).

As representative of the St. Louis chapter of baseball fans, I pray for the Ebola virus to infect your soulless bodies. Our only consolation was that the Cards won. God knows, it would have been SOOO convienient for that 3pm game to come on tomorrow. It's not like anyone here has daytime jobs or anything.

[WillardSchreck]

Dear Fox Sports,

Why do you continue to torment us with your shitty coverage of the MLB playoffs? Do you think we LIKE all those cutesy graphics? Do you think we LIKE all the "whooshing" noises we are subject to, every 3 minutes? All the flashing cut-scenes? The rapid-fire lead-ins? Your broadcasts should have fucking "Epilepsy Warnings" on them, not unlike the ones found in the manuals of video games.

Why do you continue to torment us with hiring Tim McCarver, year after year. This is as close to a village idiot as a man can get. His mind numbing yammering about absolutely nothing is enough to drive a priest to alcoholism. Tim is a poor excuse for a "color man," and the more you use him, is the less we think of your coverage. ...and for fuck's sake...take that goddamn light pen away from him! We are watching the fucking game! We don't need Tim to be cluttering up the screen with all his lines and circles and whatnot.

We do not want to see the 85 shots-a-game of Spike Lee. Or the 60 shots of Rudy Giuliani (Thank God the Red Sox lost, or we'd have those 88 shots of Ben Affleck too). We also do not care what Shawn Chacon's favorite band is, or his favorite actor, or whichever fucking BALL he likes to scratch the most! Stick to the action on the field! We are insulted to hear Tim interview one of the managers, to ask him what his "gameplan" is. IT'S TO WIN THE FUCKING GAME, TIM, YOU DISEASE INFESTED POOL OF DOG DIAHRREA! DIE TIM! DIE! PLEASE DIE!

And for the 1,432,053rd time...we KNOW the new season of "House M.D." comes on in November. Fuck off!

[Coquette]

Dear Coach Tiller (and the rest of the Purdue football team):

Why do you suck? Why is it that when the opposing team throws the ball, the players are nowhere near the receiver? See, the goal is to prevent the other team from scoring (and perhaps scoring a bit yourself). This can't be accomplished by running around in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS THE BALL.

Coach T, you've been good to us for awhile now, and I appreciate it. But how did you pick this team this year? Did you lose a bet? Please, for the love of all that is holy, find some new players. Fire your defensive staff. And then let's get back to the football that your fans are familiar with.

You have five days.

Coquette

[Onanist Sandwich]

I hate women that complain about how their man needs to take care of (read: buy shit for) them.

There is this one broad with whom I attend school who cannot keep her mouth shut about it. Every chance she gets, she bitches about the fact that she didn't get to buy shoes/clothes/jewelry/other nonsensical, useless item because her live-in boyfriend wouldn't give her any money. They both have jobs, they both pay a share of the rent. I don't understand why she thinks that it is his responsibility (her words) to support her superificial spending habits crapshit. Now, if she were at home constantly, raising children/cooking/cleaning/sucking dick on command, I think it would be ok for her man to throw down a $20 here and there...But she gets her own paycheck!!!!!! What the fuck!!! She should be spending her OWN money on her useless things...

She has the nerve to tell me that the reason that her boyfriend didn't have enough money for her shoes was because he spent the rest of his paycheck on video games. It's HIS MONEY, BITCH. Use YOUR money to buy YOUR stupid shit!!!!!!!???????

I swear to god bitches like this give girls like me a bad name. I make it a POINT to not spend a guy's money, because I sure as hell don't want him spending any of mine on stupid shit he doesn't need.

I also hate, hate, HATE people who try to convert me to a certain religion based on my appearance (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v378/lnzg/LookingThisWay.jpg). Just leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to behave a certain way, I would already be doing it, which, in fact, I am...Again, just leave me the fuck alone.

And I can't stand tweakers.

EDIT: I don't like people who drink Chambord either.

[Coquette]

Xerox, you can go fuck yourself. As can my office full of idiots who can't order a toner when the nice little machine tells them to.

I have a lot of anger these days. Happy pills, my ass.

[abbalish]

To the guy who sits behind me in Criminal Law:

The bodily-function noises that you make throughout the class have got to stop. The snorting, the throat-scratching, the hocking, the burping inside your mouth - I've had enough of all of it. It is not fun living in fear that my hair will be matted with vomit, phlegm, or both at the end of class. If you have some sort of bona fide medical issue, I feel for you; really, I do. But I can't shake the feeling that you're just a regular old disgusting boy.

As if hearing all of this once a day isn't enough, did you really have to change your seat to sit behind me in Contracts, too? Did I do something to make you want to torture me like this?

I could understand if this happened for a few days, or even as long as two weeks, but we're two months into the semester!

I implore you, if something is wrong, please fix it. See a doctor. Get some tissues. Try some cough drops for your itchy throat. Hock up your spit before class. Get some Tums to stop the never-ending burping. Or, if you prefer, just move to the other side of the classroom and leave me to learn in phlegm-free peace.

Sincerely,
abbalish

[Secret]

Stop trying to suck me back in. You DON'T love me, we ARE NOT meant to be together. Stop saying this stuff to me and let me move on. I'm trying to go -- I am trying something new, this has gone on long enough. The only reason you say this stuff is because you know its what I have wanted for the last 8 months--now that I'm gone, you start saying this shit???

You wonder why women do crazy shit. Tires slashed, windows broken, clothes torn apart, phone calls to all the bitches in your cell phone... I have never once stooped to this level but you know, I can COMPLETELY understand why some women do it. You make the crazy!!!!

[Lester]

Fucking rebates! I know, its called discriminatory pricing because it only lets those who want to jump through the hoops get the "advertised" price, but the hoops are getting more and more unrealistic. First you have to read all of the fine print, then you have to fill out paperwork the size of a postage stamp and still make it legible. Well fuck you Netgear I have big/bad handwriting cause my school couldn't teach a leftie how to write, so now you discriminate against lefties. Once you finish with this bullshit then you make me send it to the furthest postal center in the US that will employ only non-english speaking clerks who always seem to lose something or find fault with your documentation. They do however send you a postcard or email letting you know that any one of the hundred requirments has not been met, but they won't say which one and it is up to you to figure out and resubmit. Of course you can call the voice loop and wait for an eternity to speak to Paco or Ramalamadingdong only to have them say "Since you are such a valued customer we will validate your claim. Is there anything else we can help you with?"

Fuck you Netgear, CompUSA, Paco and Ramalamadingdong! Help me by eliminating the rebates and compromise by pricing halfway between the list price and the price net of rebates.

Now lets see what's going to happen with the $350 in rebates that I am waiting for from Best Buy/E Machine via El Paso.

[Savannah]

To the crazy bum in the bus shelter:

It is 6:30 in the morning at Van Ness and Sutter. I am cold, hungry, tired and I am not looking forward to going to work today to fire someone. Please do not try to talk to me about aliens when I accidentally walk into “your” bus shelter. Please do not try to get money from me. I have a Muni pass and a Cal-Train pass; I do not carry cash while walking the streets of SF in the dark. I am short, female and really do not wish to get mugged. Please stop trying to tell me that if I don’t pay you the aliens will take you away. I can assure you that tomorrow, I will bring some tin-foil and you can use it to build that hat you told me about. You know the one that keeps them out.

Thank you

[ruca]

Dearest writers of Nip/Tuck and other people who feel the need to write storylines that include social workers:

We are not all intrusive pieces of shit. I have not and will never call someone's fucking kid into a room alone with me and make them take off their clothes. We don't force ourselves into people's fucking houses when they say it's not a good time. If we need to do that, we have a goddamn reason, and we bring the police and a court order. WE ARE NOT "TRAINED TO DETECT SUBTLETIES". OH MY GOD THIS SHOW MAKES ME WANT TO THROW MY TV OUT OF A MOVING VEHICLE AND RUN OVER IT AGAIN WITH A SEMI. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. AT LEAST HIRE A GODDAMN CONSULTANT BEFORE YOU DEPICT PEOPLE AS HEARTLESS ASSHOLES. DIE FUCKING IDIOTS. You clearly need to make up for this with some naked Julian McMahon. Immediately.

And for the record, that Michael Jackson look-alike tranny fucker deserved a punch in the nose.

That is all.

edit: Since I was originally addressing the writers of Nip/Tuck, I have one more thing. PLEASE STOP SUCKING. Ok, now I'm really done.

[smurfette]

Dear parents who make excuses for their children:

Do you honestly think this is going to help them later in life? Oh, Timmy didn't do his homework because he was too tired from football? Well shit, I stayed up until 12:30am creating that damn worksheet, because I work from 7:30-4 and take classes from 4-8pm. If I made as many excuses as you do for your child, I'd be out of a job.

And what's this? Suzy had a bad night last night? Oh, so I guess it is perfectly alright for her to cuss out loud in my class, slap another child and then have you berate me. Hot damn!

GRRRRRRRRRR

[Qan]

Dear Chinese Professors who can't speak English rearry werr -
I know you're one of the smartest people in your field. I understand that you're at my school because you want to do research. I also understand that in order to do that research, you have to teach some classes.

What I don't understand is why you make attendance mandatory when going to your lectures is a complete waste of time because I can't understand a goddman thing you're attempting to say. English is not your first language, we know, we get it, but if you have to say "How do you say..." every two minutes because that particular word isn't in your particular vocabulary yet, please leave my classroom that I'm paying $300 an hour to be in. You are wasting good American air.

You can't teach. You think throwing on theorem after theorem is going to make middle class white male (me, along with 60% of the rest of the school) understand. No, showing us how it applies will make us understand. Derivations that Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting would comprehend do us Joe Schmoe's no good.

And stop squinting at me. Freaks me out.

[artificial]

Dear Annoying Whore from English Class,

It's okay that you asked if the seat next to me was taken and sat down. Although I don't usually like sitting next to anyone in classes, you seemed relatively normal. You walked in to class late, disrupted everyone in our row to get to your seat and proceeded to rummage through your fucking backpack for God knows what. Finally you find your book and I figure you're through being a pain in the ass. Well no. You still needed to pull out your pen, pencil, dictionary and text book. The lecture is fucking 45 minutes and you've already missed half! What could you possible need all that shit for?! Fine. You're done. I start to relax. No, apparently you're not done. You need to pull out a fucking mammoth size bag of popcorn and have at it. One fucking kernel at a time with your lips flapping furiously. Then you feel propelled to lick your fingers ONE BY ONE. Are you kidding me? At this point I'm reassessing what is more important in my life; not being kicked out of school for brutally assaulting you or trying to avoid the debacle for the sake of my fucking future. You came very close to death that day. That, or at least 2 black eyes.

So, in short I missed the whole lecture because the only thing I could think about was fucking up your little face. Don't bring popcorn to class from now on. Eat it in a fucking closet where no one will witness your revolting eating habits. Don't come to lecture late, you're too busy stuffing your face to take notes. Don't sit beside me, because you're not fucking welcome.

Seriously, I hope you die in a fire.

Regards,

artificial

[jondejonjon]

Fuck you students. Fuck you when you decide to come into my bar when we have posters EVERYWHERE saying that all drinks are 99 pence all night, then proceed to come up to me and quiz me on how much various drinks are. THEY'RE ALL 99 PENCE YOU FUCKSTICKS. Then when you do finally decide which sugar-based piss cooler you want, you don't have to wait for your fucking 1 pence change.

I can't believe these kids are our future, I really can't.

[Secret]

Hello Stupid Ghetto Bitch Mother from my son's football team??

Yeah, I understand that you are uneducated, poor, sell dope (i think), have no job and no car, lost your son's father in a drive-by shooting last year and have absolutely nothing going for you BUT your ignorance gives you absolutely no right to curse at my son!!!! Getting completely shitfaced drunk at the Family Fun Center this past weekend, spilling your cheap wine all over my pant leg and telling my son that "your FUCKING mother" did some such thing is completely inappropriate for a KID'S get-together hosted by their coaches.

I don't care how cool you think we are. We are NEVER that cool. And youre lucky I didnt go the FUCK off on you since I was afraid that you may stab or shoot me.

I feel sorry for your son that sat there dying of embarrassment.

[Drunken DJ]

To the snotty, ignorant, piece of shit whore who served my friends and I last night:

While I understand that being a waitress is just something you do while you are between bukkake clients, I would appreciate it if you could at least show the slightest competency in doing your job. Also, if it wouldnt be too much trouble do it without your painfully unfunny commentary. Saying things like "Wow, you guys sure are drinking. did one of you lose your job?" is not only unfunny, but insures that something we will be giving you will be going down and it rhymes with the word "rip".

You not only screwed up drink orders, which astounds me since everyone was drinking beer through happy hour and then switched to either bourbon and soda or gin and tonics.Then you got pissy with us when you wrote a food order wrong and had to take it back. Giving us attitude the entire time. The final straw was you telling my friends they could not light the candles on the birthday cake because we were too close to the non-smoking section. HUH!?!?! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT ARE YOU? THEY WERE BIRTHDAY CANDLES, NOT MARLBORO REDS YOU FILTHY WHORE.

This is why we left you a fucking dollar tip and proceeded to drink at the bar. At lest THAT whore was friendly, bought us shots and wished me a happy birthday. Oh yeah, and she had nicer tits and an ass you can only dream of having after much lipo. I hope you catch a disease from sucking a strange cock and then are shunned by all your other whorish friends.

Never speak to me when I am in there drinking.

Yours in hatred,
Drunken DJ

[Tenga Ray]

I want a no strings attached fuck fest asap.

I can't do anyone I know because my friends are nosy bitches who constantly call me out on every guy who even stops by my house...let along sleeps in my bed.

I need him to be a sexy stranger, in from out of town, only here for a weekend, and never coming back. I don't like seeing flings. It's awkward. I don't have time for awkward.

I tried this whole celibacy, good girl, waiting on the right relationship shit...and it's bullshit. I don't have time for a relationship and I won't for at least another year and a half. So what am I supposed to do? Just never fuck again?

I am sexually frustrated to a point where I can't even focus on the shit I need to finish. I'm missing deadlines. All of my fave porn sites are down because apparently the government has no priority higher than making sure pornographers aren't letting people piss in other people's assholes and now all the small/real sites are afraid of prosecution.

Anyway, that's my rant. I haven't had sex since early summer and that was just another grad student/guy that I worked with and it was only because I was severely intoxicated and wanted to piss off the girl who liked him by taking him for myself. It was a one time thing. I was too drunk to know anything about it. The time before that was almost a year ago. Halloween, full moon, the woods with the single hottest guy I've ever been with...but still, 4 hrs seems like 5 minutes with 1/4 gallon of rum in your system.

I think I'm going to give in to the perverts who call themselves my friends. There are 3 hanger-ons that no matter how often I tell them I'm never going to fuck them...they keep trying. One has been particularly needy this week, even texting me while I was in class. Maybe him?? His personality annoys me which is why I haven't fucked him...but can I give in this one time?

This sucks. I hate this no orgasm bullshit and I don't care who knows it. I'm the single most sexually open person I know and it's absolute torture to live in a town where disease runs rampant and I've already fucked all the hot 21 year olds I can stand for a lifetime. I need real, animalistic passion. Grrrrrrr.

PS, no, I'm not drunk, just frustrated.

[scootah]

Dear Mister Taxi driver, Stupid whore in a minivan, and Second Mister Taxi driver.

I realise it is raining out, and I understand that this makes your life more difficult when driving. I recognise that visibility is decreased and it may be more difficult to see where you are going. However please consider in future that when in the right hand lane, it is considered impolite to turn left. It is considered especially rude to turn left across two lanes of traffic, forcing people to emergency break in heavy rain, all to avoid running into your stupid ass. I hope you die in fires.

[KungFu Mike]

You stupid fucking pregnant bitch, (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=150508&postcount=309)

If you ever snap your fingers in my face because you think I'm being too loud on the phone ever again, I will slam your fucking hand in the office door over and over again until it separates from your wrist and shove your fat little digits into your cadaver-like cock sheath so that your unborn child may dine on your worthless flesh.

That is all.

[Caucaphonie]

Dear Misguided Moron,
How many fucking times are you going to buy something with the words "sparkling" and "water" printed on the label? How may times until you figure out that this does not mean it is tasty flavored water since you somehow have gone against all human nature and can't see to drink plain water anymore? One quick swig is all it takes to transform this stuff from potential nectar to a quick slam dunk in the trash can. What the FUCK is your problem that you can't look at this liquid dog shit and not figure it the fuck out that it's going to taste like a horrible blend of rancid pistachios and minced cheetah testicles?
Jackass.

[jlgolson]

Dear self,

do not ever try to be nice to anyone again. You tried to be nice and let your cousin who just got kicked out of his apartment and moved in with you for a few weeks borrow your ipod to listen to because he is lacking of a TV or anything else nice.

Then he took it to 'work' and left it 'in the truck'. When you confronted him about it he said 'dude I'll get it tomorrow, don't worry'. OK, fine. You were mad, but still understanding, sort of.

Then this morning there is a note on your door, self. You saw this coming as soon as it wasn't on the stairs where you told him to leave it.

"Jordan, I went to get your radio and the truck wasn't there. So, I'm going there tomorrow morning, if I can't get it tom. I will buy you a new one! So relax Jordan It was an accident and I appologized. I Forgot it !!! when I Left It was my fault. I will take care of it though so RELAX! It's not a big deal, I appologize again. OK!?! Jonny"

Motherfucker lost my goddamn iPod that I've had for 3 years. Yeah it isn't the nicest one, but it was mine and I liked having an older iPod, it was unique. You don't have $400 to get me a new iPod you ungrateful little shit, I hope you get the shit kicked out of you when you join the USAF in a month.

Oh yeah, IT HAS MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS ENGRAVED ON THE BACK YOU STUPID FUCK so it is nice and identifiable for the police report. Not that I'm gonna get it back. Asshole.

This week just gets better and better.

Sincerely, Jordan.

[Trixie Hunter]

Dear Level 5 Stylist,

You have been working at this salon for almost 4 years. You've worked your way up the Rapunzial-esqe ladder. You started out by sweeping up hair and washing out color. Now you own a 3 bedroom condo in the West Loop and drive a $45,000 Mercedes SUV. You also have your own little perky assistant, who does whatever you tell her. You're little clone to help you out when you get behind. So you should be on time for all your clients, right?

Wrong

Instead of coming upstairs to check your email to see if your piece of shit husband has sent you an apology letter, maybe you should be cutting your clients hair. Don't worry sweetie, the restaurant he just opened gives him plenty of time to bang the hostess, so no need to check your email for his love letters. I do feel bad for you. You're only 27 and already on hubby #2. And when I ask you if you are done with your client, don't get snippy (pun intended) with me. I'm just curious why you are always running behind.

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE RUNNING LATE, THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO STAY LATE!! SO HURRY THE FUCK UP AND BE ON TIME!!

I hope you go bald by the time you're 40.

[Coquette]

Xerox, you can go fuck yourself. As can my office full of idiots who can't order a toner when the nice little machine tells them to.

I have a lot of anger these days. Happy pills, my ass.
Are you there, Xerox? It's me, Margaret.

Fuck you for putting the toner on the wrong skid, therefore getting it to me three days late.

Fuck you for sending me a defective toner that made my copier sound like a thousand midgets were shooting each other.

Fuck you for not caring when I called your "advice line". I've already ranted about off-shore support, I'm not going to do it again.

Fuck you that I am STILL printing to some shitass inkjet, and most likely will be UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

I hate you, Xerox.

Lovingly,
Coquette

[TheBunny]

Thank you, SmittenKitten. Oh thank you. (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?p=160031#post160031)

[Jerkoff]

I love beer and I love heavy metal. I'm drunk right now, and listening to Behemoth. If it weren't for heavy as fuck metal and alcohol, life wouldn't be nearly as interesting as it is.

Also, Maruchan Instant Lunch (Ramen in a cup) is the shit, three minutes and it's ready.

SPEAK OF ME NOT AS ONE
SPEAK OF ME NOT AS NONE
SPEAK OF ME NOT AS ALL
FOR I AM CONTINUAL

So fucking brutal.

[-jess-]

I love tattoos.
The pleasant itchy sting of getting the ink to start. The hours of sitting, talking to Adam (adambombgallerie.com), watching the colors come together.

I love the sore swelling over the next few days. That tender feeling as my body heals itself.

I love the colorful scabs that cover the entire area.

Although I hate the itchy, and it's sort of gross, I love when the colorful scabs start to peel away, revealing soft, shiny, newly tinted skin underneath.

[Assnaked]

Dear me,

Why are you so absent-minded? How can you manage to lose things on almost a daily basis, and now you've gone and lost your car key. Good job, now you can't drive out to San Diego to visit your friend who is leaving for Iraq in something like 10 days. Superb. I think i'm gonna start tying everything to you with a fucking string so that you never lose anything ever again.

Dear Girl I Am Ninety-Nine Percent Positive That My Key Is In Your Car,

ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE I JUST GOT OFF THE GODDAMN THING WITH YOU NOT 10 MINUTES BEFORE I CALLED BACK AND NOW YOU CAN'T SEEM TO ANSWER. I PROBABLY CALLED YOU 10 TIMES NOW. I KNOW YOU'RE THERE. ANSWER ANSWER ANSWER.

[munch4037]

Dear top ten party schools camera man:

I appreciate the fact that our school is worthy enough to participate in your documentary, which is probably going to end up as fodder for Katie Couric or as late night Girls Gone Wild shit. But seriously, what is your ugly dirty ass doing hogging all the ladies?

There is no reason that you should walk by every ten minutes demanding the ladies do something crazy, because I know you're going to cut most of it. But damn, every time I hit on a girl, you're there flashing your goddamn camera in her face and telling her to dance all over you, or another girl or something. Now, the latter I don't mind so much, if you would just leave after that. But you don't. You fucking sit around an talk to them for a while before moving on to film some other unsuspecting slut. And, of course, the girl I'm talking to follows you, looking for yet another chance to be on film.

Stop hogging all the ladies! It makes shit hard for us college gentlemen.

From a frustratedly flacid individual,
Bob

[Squeamous]

People who use stats to back up an argument, thinking it might actually convince people they're right, when we all know they just looked up their particular bias on Google and then found some figures that fit.

People who take themselves seriously enough to think that even backing up their point with stats, anyone will give a **** about it.

People who say '80% of stats are made up' hahahahaha.....very good.

[mav_ian]

Fucking hell, I hate my TAFE professional writing & editing course. Only two days a week, yet still counting as full time so I don't have to work for a living, yet it still is almost not worth it.

For a start, the curriculum is just plain stupid. First, I've got Literature for writers. Thats the history of literature, from ancient greek times to modern day, half a day a week, for one year and not even every week. We can't study a single thing in that class in depth. For every Jane Austen novel we get to breez through, there's a Homer's Odyssey we have to as well. But the teacher puts in effort to teach us well anyway, and the only person who expresses their opinion of the class is the one idiot who doesn't appreciate it. Fuck you Greg.

That leads me to you, Greg. When you speak your mind and no-one else does, it's not because we all agree, it's because we all see how stupid you look. Your opinion is NOT fact, and not shared by everyone else. The only ones who agree with you in those rare cases are the clueless bogans who get their information from the fucking Herald Sun. And you always rant on about being so left wing, a Labour supporter, blah blah blah, you fucking commie, but you always go on and on about how Big W is the greatest place ever. You fucking tool, its owned by the Coles-Myer, a huge monopoly in Aus. When you take over class, it just drags it out for everyone, and you add fuck all. Everyday, someone new expresses how much of an idiot you are, it shouldn't surprise me. You hate Linda, but everyone else loves her, she's the only teacher who actually puts you in your place (she's also awesome for rocking up to class drunk and letting us go home early). You idiot hack, you're only 19, probably still a virgin and you broke up with your girlfriend just to try and go for one of the two alright girls in the course (though neither would touch you).

Then there's the Popular Fiction teacher. She's a published author, so she has liscence to turn up whenever she feels like it, and teach however little she needs to. "OK, workshop each other while I go out for a few hours." "Ok, everyone do a freewrite for 2 hours." Why do you always seem to be on the rag? Well fuck you anyway.

And Cora, you old bat, what the fuck are you doing out of a nursing home? You may have experience, but your barely able to drive, let alone teach a class. I can see where last years students get their inane sensibitlies from. The already energy sapping Industry Overview class is made even more boring by you. You make us sign cards for guest speakers we haven't even listened to yet. God, I hate Thursday mornigs because of you.

When I didn't get into the course I wanted to, and landed on this as back up, I thought to myself, "this is a writing course, most of the students have got to be female, and at least a certain amount have to be alright looking." WRONG. One MILF and one alright chick, who I made friends with and wouldn't want to try anything with (at least while she's still attending). The rest are a bunch of old menopausal bats who seem to always find a way to relate whatever topic back to every little detail in their lives, and think the rest of us care what they drone on about. Godammit.

Theres only a few students I can actually have good conversations with. And only one who would laugh at the comedic gold period joke I made.

This is the reason I don't do my homework, can't write very well (even though I study the art of writing) and partially the reason why I drink alone. Other than that, my life is sweet. Fucking TAFE.

[FiniteState]

Dear Senior Co-worker,
I understand you think you are the man because you have tenure and an additional zero on your income but an Intro to Java and two other 100 level programming classes do not make you a damn expert. Forget the fact that you are in the throes of a debilitating mid-life crisis or the fact that you are working towards something I have achieved fifteen years your junior.

Perhaps I'd have a bit more respect for a man WHO CONSIDERS ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE NECESSARY! Maybe if you put more weight that three of our servers have been throughly overrun by malware[or whatever flashy empty-calorie nomenclature suits your fat ass] and you have been informed of this. A shrug and a snort are the half-assed response are what to lead to long nights of ghosting hard drives and restoring very important emails from multi-level marketing companies, not me calling you at 3 AM in the morning.

Sincerely,
FiniteState

[Coquette]

Hey Coach T!

Just saw the Big Ten standings. Fucking IU is ahead of us. INDIANA UNIVERSITY. Do you know how embarrasing that is to us Boilermakers? Never mind that you went from a preseason rank in the Top 25 to barely registered mid-season. I've forgiven you for that, sort of. But come on. You're familiar with the tradition and rivalry between Purdue and IU, right? Then you know how sickening this is for us.

Oh, and in case you missed this, your pathetic defense had an honorable mention in "Biggest Disappointments" on ESPN:

Honorable mention goes to Purdue's defense, the league's best unit in 2004 and one that returned all 11 starters. Familiarity apparently breeds inept. The Boilermakers have been gashed for 42, 49 and 34 points the last three weeks.

What. The. Fuck. You mean to tell me you have veteran defensive players, and they still play like retards chasing cake instead of the ball? Unacceptable.

So, let's go back to my suggestion from last week. FIRE YOUR DEFENSIVE STAFF. Like, now.

Not your biggest fan,

Coquette

[Tenga Ray]

Stupid stupid very expensive black leather slingbacks!

Never in my entire life have I had my entire pinky toe turn into a blister.

I need elves to custom make shoes that fit both the length of my foot and the spread of my wide toes.

My toe is going to fall off isn't it?

[Proser]

Hey, all you trendy, twenty-something, sex-in-the-city worshipping, vacuous whores with badly behaved, 'fashionable,' $800 dogs, LISTEN UP.

Don't come to the dog park. Ever. Your dog is terrified because you never bothered to train or socialize him, and he has no idea how to act around normal dogs. He might look cute in your purse, but he doesn't look cute pinned under my fat golden retriever's paws with his neck between her jaws, does he?

It's not your dog's fault that you're a stupid bitch with neither the time nor the inclination to work with your dog so that he can have a happy doggy life. My dog was having a nice, relaxing swim and getting along with all the other dogs when Mr. Yappy decided to get in her face and not shut the fuck up until my dog was forced to regulate. And I'm sure it did wonders for your dog's already frayed nerves for you to start scremaing "Ohmigod your dog's trying to KILL [MR YAPPY] OHMIGOD! Of course, even were that the case, the $300 heels you were wearing (yeah, you read that right, HEELS at the fucking DOG PARK) caused you to arrive at the scene of the vicious mauling a few steps behind the last place finisher in the Special Olympics potato sack race.

Do you see this dog? Does she look like she wants to wreck your dogs' shit?



Of course not. All she wants to do is lick stuff, sunbathe, and go for an occasional swim when it gets too hot. She did everything she could to make your dog chill the fuck out; she rolled over on her back, tried to lick his yappity yappin face, even tried to walk away and find some shade to take a nap. But, even awesome golden retrievers have their breaking point. If you'd been paying attention to your dog instead of reliving your Friday night whorishness on your cell phone, the whole incident could have been avoided.

Oh, and if your brain were any bigger than your dog's, you wouldn't have looked so shocked when I told you that euthanasia was a better option for him than dog purses and holiday sweater sets.

Before I let the little fella go, I whispered in his ear, "Hey little buddy, you ever see that South Park episode where Paris Hilton's dog commits suicide? No? You might want to check it out."

[Faceman]

Dear Old Lady at the Bar:

No, No, I do not want to see your ID. Just because I card 25 year olds does not mean that you should be carded. You look like you have been rode hard and put up wet for the last 30 years. Forty years ago, no one would have carded you. Your face looks like 20 miles of death valley, moreover you have wasted enough of my time by bitching about the 2 dollar cover. (For Christ's sake it's 2 dollars, pay it or shut the fuck up and leave.) There is no need to soak up more of my time by engaging in a idiotic debate over why I did not feel the need to card you. You look old and beat therefore, I felt no need to card you. Yes, as a matter of fucking fact, I did card the 45 year old behind you just to make you feel bad.

As you look older than dirt, if I saw on your license that you were indeed 32 years old (as you claim) I would toss you out of the bar for having a fake ID.

My job is to keep pop-collared, hat-tilted-at-no-particular-angle-to-my-head, underage college kids out of MY bar, not make you feel like your a 23 year old nymphomaniac inside a 55 year old hag's body.

You are old and worse you look old. Get over it.

~Faceman, your local blues bar bouncer.

[WillardSchreck]

Dear "first-post-thread-starters,"

Did you really think that was a good idea? Maybe if you read a few of the literally thousands of posts, you would figure out that threads about emo music or "hey I saw this movie, what do you think?" are going to wind up getting you thrown under the bus. Hell I've only started one post, and I've been here since the last board was up. There should be a rule out here...if you start a thread, and you've got fewer than 10 posts total, it gets deleted.

P.S. You new members...learn to fucking spell!! We'll give you a pass on "chrysanthemum" or "mississippi," but if you can't spell "novel," then write "book" instead, you cretin.

Love,
Willard

[MrBesch]

Dear Roommate,

You are filth. Dorky Xbox obsessed filth. When I first moved in here, a young grasshopper entering his freshman year in college, I thought you were kind of nerdy and quiet but that was ok with me, as it seemed like you would be easy to live with.

Then the next day, practically the whole floor that lived with you in the engineering program last year warned me that you had a habit of constantly jacking off without locking the door. At least half a dozen people had walked on you choking your chicken to people doing things you would only see on a screen and never participate in. As time went on, I walked in on you after making a shitload of noise at the door so I didn't have to witness you making baby batter to see you furiously clicking out windows and putting away your junk on more than one occasion.

Let's not forget what a creepy fuck you are. When I brought over the girl with big tits all you did was fucking bore holes through her shirt with your eyes. My female friend taking a nap on my bed gets to wake up to you staring and saying "how's it going" in a voice so disturbing even Jacko would be mortified. When I came back at 130 am with a random from a party to you watching Discovery channel specials on your computer, you didn't get the fucking hint to take a walk for a half hour or so. Thanks asshole, it wasn't like I wanted to get laid or anything. Oh yeah, and in the last week alone two people have come in and remarked about the pungent odor of semen in the room, almost assuredly from you.

I've had enough of your fucking disgusting habits and social retardation. I'm going to the housing office tomorrow and transferring somewhere, anywhere, even if it's a damn UMass refrigerator box. Maybe when you're alone you'll realize what a vile human being you are.

Sincerely,
MrBesch

[D-James]

TO: That "Natural Foods" Store;

I've been forced to go into your stores for key ingredients because you are so close by. NO, I do not want to join your cult, grow crops with you, or save the animals. I'm furious that you sell MEATLESS Boneless Buffalo Wings, knowing that yours are the only ones outside of a restaurant. If I see another group of your loyal hippie customers debating who will get the last bottle of hemp shampoo I will be forced to burn you down! You (the only normal worker) gave me a free smoothie, trying your best to win me over but It Was Warm! Finally checking out, you asked if I wanted to buy into this so-called CO-OP, when I said no you charged an extra 25% to my bill.

I've had enough of you and your overpriced, shit fed 'organic' food. I vow that I will someday destroy you and your stockpile of fake Boneless Buffalo Wings.

[The Guitarist]

My god damned video partner is a worthless son of a bitch. When we started doing our first project, he was always skipping out on editing sessions and making excuses.

As of this writing, we have 17 hours, 24 minutes and 27 seconds to write an interview, shoot the interview, shoot B-roll, write a transcript, script, and log the B-roll. Which is impossible considering I am working today and he is, more than likely, hungover.

None of this would be an issue had he not waited AN ENTIRE WEEK to tell me that the guy we were going to do our story on fell through. If I would have known as soon as he knew that the guy didn't want to do the story we could have found someone new.

This is why I choose to do stuff on my own. I tend to rely on my partner to hold up his end of the partnership and when he doesn't, I get fucked in the ass. Awesome.

[Tenga Ray]

Nevermind.

I'm going to do yoga instead.

[Sweet Lew]

Today sucks.
I wake up with my cold stronger than ever. Sinuses clogged, throat hurting, and I am dead tired. Fine, so I take some cold medicine and begin my day. Nothing really happens until I get to work and realize I forgot my lunch and some fruit to snack on during the day. The only reason I care is because the cafeteria food here is expensive and sucks. So I work my way up to my desk, and the first activity I do on Monday morning…right, spill coffee on my keyboard. So n6ow when6 I tye it looks like this, so I have to go b5ack an6d correct all the mistakes everytime I write somethin6g. Oh, and the shift key does not work either. My computer took 45 minutes to load some new programs and patches, and before I realized it, I had been staring at my computer the entire time and not realizing it. So I get a new cup of coffee and proceed to spill that all over the counter. Now, it is 11 am and I am hopped up on cold medicine, without my coffee, which is probably a good thing, I am getting no work done because typing is a pain, and every 2 minutes I look over my shoulder because I am paranoid someone is going to come up behind me and scare the crap out of me. Today is going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

edit

...and my office chair just broke.

[FKA SH3]

Dear Bitch at Verizon Customer Service:

I know the second you picked up the fucking phone that we were going to have problems. You work in customer service. Is it possible to sound awake and alert while you are on the phone with a customer, especially when you work in repair? It's obvious I'm not calling for my goddamn health.

I'll ignore the fact that you YAWNED INTO THE PHONE while I'm telling you that your repair guy never showed up. I don't know why a) your company's repair "window" of 8AM-12PM was so inflexible that you forced me to come into work an hour early because my boss doesn't show up until 1 (if he shows up) or b) why your company had to call me at 9AM on Saturday morning to confirm an appointment I had already confirmed Friday, but these are also things that I will ignore.

So, after sitting here for 5 hours, I called you to find out where the fuck your repair man was. You had the nerve to tell me that this mystery person came, fixed the problem, and left. Oh, really? How the fuck did he fix it without walking into the office and seeing what was wrong? I specifically stated we have a dialtone and that he needs to come in and fix the system your company set up inside the office. KEY WORD: INSIDE!

Then you proceed to do a line test over the phone. Hey, dipshit: If that worked, why do you think a repair person was being sent here as of last Friday...BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE DID THAT ALREADY! Then you have the nerve to take some patronizing tone like there isn't a problem. You dumb fuck. It was establish with someone competent at your company that there is a problem, and that aservice call was scheduled. Then to top it all off, you tell me that if they come back here again, it will cost money.

WHAT, WAS THIS DRIVE-BY NON-REPAIR TODAY FREE? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL!

Fucking die. No wonder why I use Cingular in my personal life.

Sincerely,
JW

[JackBoot]

Stupidly courteous people..

You know who you are. Somehow they built a prison work release or half-way house of some sort here in this town to monitor all you stupid fucks. You come to a four-way stop and the rules of the road fly out of your empty fucking head as you frantically wave for the other three people, who all arrived at the stop well after you, to go ahead.

You will slam the brakes on your car at 60 mph on the freeway to allow aperson on (who has a yield sign by the way) instead of moving over to the empty lane next to you, nearly causing a 10 car pile up complete with the sounds of tortured metal colliding and bloody heads rolling down the pavement.

You will slam the car damn near into reverse to allow a person on the sidewalk to cross a street against a light, when they had no intention of crossing in the first place....

and when you have done all that, you venture back out on to the public freeway system to do your part to help the police out. Which means if it says 55 mph, by God you will cut off anyone going 60 and make sure to slow down to 45 to teach them a lesson. You will drive in the fast lane 15 miles under the speed limit, because, darn it, you think people jusat drive to fast.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. You are one of those people. Do us all a favor, drive off a cliff

[Pillage5]

I hate the motherfuckers that forward you stupid emails.............4 times. You know the ones you have open an email, to open an email, to open an email, to open an email to get to what they want to forward to you, which they could have done DIRECTLY since they were on that page anyways.

Sorry mom, I know you don't use computers well, I was talking to the other bastards that do it.

[QuietSpeed]

Fucking-christ Body, get your shit together.

Yesterday you where all "Oh I can't drink, ow you hurt me this weekend...waahwaahwaah..." Pussy. Now look what you did. It's monday night, I want beer during the game and you know what? The keg has gone almost flat! Well you reap what you sow asshole. We're drinking. Like it or not.

In fact if you don't got bitch about it with all the other pussys on the LoveShack Board. Oh wait you cant without meeeeeee. 'Tard.

Love,
Brain

ps~ Liver and Kidneys, I wasn't talking to you. You do a great service to QS.

[MX61]

I hate people that spend their lives on a cell phone. It makes me think that they suck so much as a person, that rather than realize how much they suck and try to fix it they'd rather spend their lives talking into a phone just so they don't have to be alone with their meaningless, shitty thoughts. What is so damned important that you can't wait until you get home? Whether you're outside pissing everyone off by standing next to them and yelling into your phone, or driving 10 mph under the speed limit in the fast lane, you assholes need to get things into perspective and realize that unless you're in a true emergency, your vapid conversation doesn't matter and you can quit inconviencing everyone else around you.

[Jme]

Dear Mr. Interviewer:

Do I have "please waste my fucking time" tatooed on my forehead? My cover letter said I needed a temporary position. TEMPORARY. So, no, I don't want to work for you for 10 damn years like the previous person. You knew that and still called me for an interview.

I put on pantyhose for you - in the summer heat. I want my hour back, damnit.

[Squeamous]

I hate the motherfuckers that forward you stupid emails.............4 times. You know the ones you have open an email, to open an email, to open an email, to open an email to get to what they want to forward to you, which they could have done DIRECTLY since they were on that page anyways.



Especially the ones that have a subject heading saying something like 'PLEEEAASSSSEEEEE DON'T DELETE THIS'. Followed by the details of the last 20 idiots who thought *just in case* there might be some truth in it they'll forward it to you. And it's some money making scheme that will supposedly make the sender rich or at the least 'pay off my bills'. Straight into the trash. not because I don't want to be rich but anyone desperate enough for money to beg you needs to be shot.

[Squeamous]

Anyone with the time or inclination to work out how many posts you've written and how many people hate you for them, then extrapolate from the number of members of whatever this thing is the percentage disapproval you have amassed.

Actually, that's quite impressive.

[blue eyes]

I really hate FEMA and The Red Cross right now. I don't hate them because they have helped thousands of people. I think that people receiving relief from these organizations is great. I HATE THE LAZINESS THAT IT IS INSTILLING IN SOME PEOPLE!!!

It has been almost two months since hurricane Katrina. One would think that things were back to normal, now. At least getting close, anyway. You can't even go to a fast food restaurant past 7pm.

WHY?!?!!?!?!!? BECAUSE EVERYONE GOT THEIR STUPID CHECKS AND SOMEHOW BELIEVE THAT IT IS A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY AND THEY DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN!!!

A sensible person would take the money, but go back to work as soon as the place of business was back open. DID YOU DUMB FUCKS EVER THINK OF ACTUALLY WORKING AND USING THE MONEY YOU RECEIVED TO TRY TO GET AHEAD?!?!!?!?!?!?

[Secret]

I'm proud of myself. I did it, I actually did it. I ended it with someone I really like because he didnt treat me the way I wanted to be treated. May sound petty and stupid to some but not to me!!!

I usually stick in there and wait... and wait.... thinking that somehow if I'm just patient and nice, things may change. Well, that gets me nowhere except for 8 months down the line still seeing the same jackass that still treats me like shit.

So I ended it. Just like that. No bantering back and forth like I usually do. No "but you did this and that" bullshit-- I just ended it. I said "Im done, our playtime is played out."

Too bad I like this guy and it would be cool if he cared. But he doesn't and I did the right thing, for myself. Finally.

[NatalieBirr]

Note to lady in the office who makes coffee by dumping new grounds on top of used grounds: The coffee you make is vile. Specific instructions for making coffee properly have been posted all over the break room. A requirement of your employment is that you be able to read. Please prove that you meet this requirement.

[blue eyes]

I really hate FEMA and The Red Cross right now. I don't hate them because they have helped thousands of people. I think that people receiving relief from these organizations is great. I HATE THE LAZINESS THAT IT IS INSTILLING IN SOME PEOPLE!!!

It has been almost two months since hurricane Katrina. One would think that things were back to normal, now. At least getting close, anyway. You can't even go to a fast food restaurant past 7pm.

WHY?!?!!?!?!!? BECAUSE EVERYONE GOT THEIR STUPID CHECKS AND SOMEHOW BELIEVE THAT IT IS A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY AND THEY DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN!!!

A sensible person would take the money, but go back to work as soon as the place of business was back open. DID YOU DUMB FUCKS EVER THINK OF ACTUALLY WORKING AND USING THE MONEY YOU RECEIVED TO TRY TO GET AHEAD?!?!!?!?!?!?

Since I was called a "complete and utter idiot" for this let me clarify.

I DO NOT LIVE IN NEW ORLEANS WHERE PEOPLE'S HOUSES WERE FLOODED AND TOTALLY DESTROYED. JUST SOME WIND DAMAGE. NO REBUILDING, FINDING NEW HOMES ETC.

[SkiGuy]

I just wrote this after getting off the phone with a client (I am a mortgage broker):

To my potential borrower:

What is wrong with people in this city? Does nobody understand the concept of basic finances? If you make $40,000 a year, have a car payment and credit cards, what on god's green earth makes you think that you can possibly afford a $600,000 home? I'll break it down like this: If you are barely able to make rent every month, why does a BIGGER monthly housing payment per month even sound attractive? And I am sorry, but the excuse of "but I really like the place" doesn't hold water. I really like Porsche cars, but I don't insist on buying them whenever the mood strikes me. Where in the warped reality of your drug-addled mind does this make any sense? Get a $3 calculator, and run the simple numbers: $600,000 broken into 360 payments (30 years) even with NO INTEREST and NO TAXES is still $1,666 a month! HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS SO HARD!

And YES,... YES, you too have to pay property taxes. I know the civic burden of paying for schools, roads, sewage, police, fire protection, and the like is huge, but you don't get to weasel out of it because "it's more than you want to pay." It's the way it works; always has, and always will--bitching to me about it still doesn't relieve you from it. Government costs money, and you liberal, hippie, hemp wearing, patchouli smelling, alternative job working ass cookies who preach about the "rich" who aren't "paying your fair share" can suck on the fact that the system views ANYONE who can afford to buy a place as "rich." By lowering the common denominator of your fellow man so much, you kinda fucked yourselves there, DIDN'T YOU?!

Insurance is also a natural burden that you will have to bear. And don't ask me why, because when you want to finance 100% of the property, your effective vested financial interest in it is ZERO PERCENT and the bank wants to know that its investment is covered should,... say... I don't know, a HURRICANE or an EARTHQUAKE show up at your front porch. Here's a novel concept just because you live there, and you "bought" the place: it doesn't mean you own the whole damn thing--the bank does. Whoa, far out.

No, you cannot "negotiate a lower rate" with me. I am already giving you my best rate because I want your business and there are 30,000 other mortgages brokers out there who do too.

No, title insurance is not optional, and it's a third party cost--so I can't waive it even if i wanted to.

No, closing costs are the price of doing business and I can't waive them either. Just because a bank is willing to lend you money, doesn't mean that there is no cost to doing so. Most of them are third part costs anyway.

No, I will not go back and talk to my manager, underwriter, pit boss, shaman, rabbi, or butcher to see if I can "re-work the deal more in your favor."

No, 100% financing does not mean you have 0 dollars in assets, it means you, because of market conditions, are leveraging more to gain the most in overall equity. 0 dollars means "no home." 0 dollars means "second job."

Now, go back to your squalor of a rent-controlled apartment that you share with 6 cats, 43 potted plants, and the fetid smell of burnt Chinese food and stop calling me twice a day to fix your incompetence at this wandering, vapid existence you try to pass off as a "life."

[Coquette]

Dear Friend Who Assumed I Would Help You Move,

I'm not mad that you waited until the last possible minute to find a place to live. In fact, I'm happy for you. And willingly, I offered help you move. Never mind that you assumed that I would do it the day you received the keys. No problem; I've done this FOUR TIMES in 2 years for you. Always with a smile on my face, right? Always without so much as a 'thank you', remember?

I get to your place this evening, only to find a complete clusterfuck. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PACKED. Not a god damned thing. Shit is everywhere, your bed (the only thing you really wanted moved tonight, remember?) is covered with crap, and you can barely move among the mess.

So, I did what any normal person would do (without liquor nearby), I started moving shit. Boxing things up. Shifting stuff off of your bed so we could get to it. Most people would think that this was nice. Even would show some appreciation.

You, being the insufferable bitch you can be at times, decide to complain. YOU YELL AT ME FOR MOVING YOUR SHIT.

I do not feel badly for leaving you there, with your half-packed boxes and your mattress that most certainly will not fit in the truck you borrowed. I do not feel badly for calling you a whore as I was leaving. And I do not feel badly that at this very minute, you're looking through your cell phone wondering who is going to come over and help you at the last minute. And on a Tuesday, when Happy Hour doesn't end for another hour.

Buy me a drink, and I'll forgive you. Buy me a fifth, and I'll help you move.

Coquette

[marilyn p keaton]

Boys who drink whiskey...

If I am flirting with you all night and ask you to come home with me, I want to fuck you. I don't want to show you around my cute apartment, play with my awesome dog, or cuddle. I want to fuck. You are a stranger in a bar and that's what you are there for. IF you have been downing crown and coke all night, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, politely say no, get my number, make out with me in the hallway, let me go home alone or go find someone else. BECASUE YOU KNOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET IT UP. We will spend some time clumsily making out, you'll put a condom on (like I won't be able to tell), and nothing will happen. I WILL literally push you up off of me, get dressed, and grab my car keys to take your dumb ass or my dumb ass home. I would like to sleep alone in my bed with my dog on the nights I'm not getting any. Don't tell me to call you if I want to hook up.

And next time (this is with the next girl of course, because I'm done with you.) DRINK FUCKING VODKA.

[ThePyroman]

Fuck You Cancer!

Just...Fuck You!

[Hans_Gruber]

How can two gas stations within a 2 mile radius both be out of gas? If my car starts up, it will be a miracle because I'm pretty sure it's well below empty. I say "i'm pretty sure" because the fuel gauge is broken and has been for a couple weeks. It doesn't work at all and I've been pretty good at judging when I need gas. I should probably get that fixed. I don't understand why it's called a "luxury" SUV if all it does is give me problems?? I don't know what the point of this was, but I really need gas.

[Gordon's Driest]

There are as many emo bashing site on the internet as there are of the trend they opposing, but unfortunatly many of them are just as idiotic and resort to tried and true questions of sexuality ("emos are such fAg!!1 rolflollmao"). In resonse, I have come up with my own creative solution to the problem. Agree with me, insult me, whatever. I'm putting this on here in case this gets popular, I want the credit for coming up with it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
EMO FOR BLUES FOUNDATION

Emo, or Goth-lite, has taken popular culture by storm in the past few years in a wave of black and pink t-shirts, wrist sweat bands, and very, very bad hair rivaled only by the “new wave” craze of the late 80’s to early 90’s. The radio waves and record stores have also become overrun with the nauseatingly similar voices of whiny teen angst and screams that seem more appropriate for that of a demonic possession. Something must be done.

In the past, the jockocracy of ages past would have dealt with this in a sensible fashion: endless mockery, ostracizism, and regularly administered beatings. Unfortunately, these barbaric yet nonetheless usually effective methods have all but ceased in most middle class suburban areas, deemed as “discrimination”, “bullying”, and “damaging to self esteem” by school administrators….fucking hippies. However, even if these methods were once again allowed it would prove ineffective. Teasing and beatings would make the Emo population even more depressed and/or angst filled, albeit with legitimate reason. Other methods considered by overjoy members of clubs such as the glee club and student council would be to attempt to cheer them up through pep rallies, dances, or other school spirit-filled activities sanctioned by the administration. This would also be met with failure. The part-punk, part-goth, part-hippy make-up that is “Emo” makes them too “rebellious” to participate. Besides, would we really want to be stuck with that many more overjoys, even if we could? No, we cannot expect to be able to cheer up people who have no real reason to be sad anyways. That is why I am proposing the EMO FOR BLUES PROGRAM.

Sadness inspires more music than any other emotion there is. So much so that an entire genre of music was based upon it: The Blues. A combination of European traditional music and African slave songs, the early roots of Blues come from the Deep South in the 1860’s. After repining over the civil war and its follow years of strife, the Blues came into full popularity during the 1920’s. It is the most influential form of music ever inspired. Jazz, Soul, Funk, Rock, R&B, and even Pop can all trace their roots back to the Blues. Although it has fallen out of the popular culture, Blues has still managed to survive in the background. Music by artists such as Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, Buddy Guy, and B.B. King are still enjoyed today (and yes, that last guy is the one with diabetes). The most basic element for the spirit of the Blues is sadness, something which I think the Emo population will be able to embrace.

The idea behind the program is similar to the “Guns for Knives” program proposed by Chris Rock: we don’t expect to fully stop violence (or in this case depression) but we can do it with style. Stations will be set up to allow for the trade in of Emo paraphernalia for proper Blues attire and instruments (see chart for specifics). In addition, special classes will be held to re-educate musicians in their new form of expression, teaching proper technique on singing and playing acoustic or electric guitar, as well as lessons on playing the banjo, harmonica, slide guitar, and stand-up bass.

In conclusion, this program is not about “curing” the Emo population. Emo is sadness for the sake of being sad, which is caused by stupidity. The only cure for stupidity is age or death. The goal of the foundation is to remove the annoyance from the needlessly depressed and the legions of trend-whores that follow them. By switching their base fashion and music from generic shit into something that we can all, or at least I, can enjoy. That way, everyone can be happy…except them.



EMO FOR BLUES TRADE-IN TABLE OF VALUE*

EMO ITEM BLUES EQUIVELNT

1 pair of boxed frame "emo" glasses =
1 pair of standard "Johnny Cash" style sunglasses

1 pair of skin tight faded/pre-shredded jeans =
1 pair of 100% cotton black/brown suspenders

1 pink/baby blue collared shirt or black shirt with any "emo" band names or images considered to be emo (blood dripping from a scissor cut outline of a heart, pentagon) =
1 100% cotton white collared 7 button shirt

1 basic 6 string electric guitar =
1 6 string acoustic guitar OR slide guitar OR banjo OR harmonica (of such value that equals that of the opposing item)

1 basic 4 string electric bass =
1 four string stand-up bass or 1 5-6 string electric bass

1 wrist sweatband =
2 packs of tooth picks


*note: everyone who participates in the trade-in program will also receive 1 full rimmed hat certified by the E.B. Foundation in black, grey, or brown

[cvann]

Fuck Iraq. Fuck my greed. Fuck Raytheon. Fuck Nortel. Fuck Cisco.

In my infinite wisdom, I left to work in Iraq 1.5 weeks ago. Raytheon, Cisco and Nortel say, 'Go ahead, lots of money to be made. It's only for 2 months.' Cocksuckers - all of them. I had no idea, that it would suck this much. If someone offered me $250,000\year to stay here, I wouldn't. That's no bullshit.

I knew that there would be no booze, pussy, or hunting (of animals). But I didn't know that there were so many fucked up rules. For fucks sake, you can't even scratch your balls here without some fucking stinky asshole getting offended. These people do stink too. Not like Asian fishy smell, but more like rotting nut cheese....with a hint of garlic.

Right now, I'm vpn'd into my home\office system just to see this site.

Fuck me. At least I'm strapped in a war zone. That's kinda cool. Right?

[SM1Breton]

I am sick and fucking tired of people calling me a fag for being in the Navy. Sailors are NOT gay! I am not gay, I will never be gay, I don't want to be gay. For Christ's sake, what is your God damned problem, got bounced at the MEPS for an acne scar you couldn't explain away? Leave me the hell alone. Being in the Navy does not make a man gay. Go jump off a bridge, or better yet, toss yourself in to the propeller shaft of the USS Ronald Reagan.
Assholes.

[MrBesch]

Hello whores on the 3rd floor. Yes, you two. Ok Whore1, you decided to call me Skeletor when I came in my friend's room. I came right back, calling you Smurfette due to your extremely short stature, and then I asked you to say hi to Papa Smurf for me. "Go screw yourself" seriously who says that???? Is this a 4th grade schoolyard? Come on.

Whore2. You too are a short obnoxious bitch. Today I'm walking into the same friends room (different day) and I hear "Hey, Skeletor!". You were practically in a room down the hall as you said it so you shut the door and I had no time to come back.

Well guess what you stupid cunts, I'm not good at many things but one thing I am good at is making people feel like shit. Next time one of you comes in my buddy's room and I happen to be there, I'm going to just go crazy, I mean the insults won't stop till you're in tears (hopefully). Do you sit in a high chair when you drive, or do you just take a go-kart? Is it annoying having to wear stilts to get on certain rides at Six Flags? Is it true that the university offered to give you a Barbie Dream House to live in instead of a dorm room? Does your boyfriend get stopped by cops because they think he's making out with a 5 year old? Did Verne Troyer add you to his MySpace? You get the idea.

Yeah I'm tall and skinny, fuck you. I can (and will) gain weight, but theres very little chance of either of you breaking the 5'0 mark. And I know why all of this happened too; I was blind drunk and grabbed the shirt of Whore1's roommate, whom I wouldn't touch sober. Guess what? I fucking apologized my ass off right when it happened, I apologized the day after, I even offered to let her slap me in the face (I did that sober). I felt dirty for a week. She's not holding a grudge;why the fuck are you? Want to blacklist me from floor activities, fine, that's your choice. But if you give me shit I will give it right back twice as hard. It's probably overreacting but I really don't give a fuck; why not vent my frustrations on two mongoloid skanks? I hope both of you get hit by a campus bus, which is likely because I doubt bus drivers carry microscopes.

[SM1Breton]

Immature diclickers still sending me cracks about the Navy huh?
Tell me, when was the last time you made it through 2 months of grueling PT and boring as shit navigational skills, and then stayed in the same boring ass town for another three months to learn how to fix various types of boat engines.
Tell me, fuckwads, can you fix the engine on a Cyclone attack craft at night with no lighting while up to your knees in engine chemicals? Probably not, as repairing the networking boards at the shitty ass telecom company you work for required as much training as sitting in your local library reading books on LAN routers. You wasted all that money at community college when you could've gotten the same info for free without the dumbass psychology courses. Oh, and did I mention I leave for BUD/S in August? Yes Kiddies, I am going to make SEAL. Not plan to, I am GOING to. Any of you fit enough for that? Mad because I don't have a cock in my ass. Fuck off. I'm mad because I'm not spending your not-so-hard earned tax dollars on Olde English 800 and Thai prostitutes. I hope your apartment gets hit by the next Tomahawk misfire, you shitheads.
Go Navy, and go fuck yourselves.

Also, thank you to Marilyn for her stance on the bluejackets, (Sailors, for all the morons out there) we are fucking awesome.
Edit: Blast me if you want for not shutting up, I don't care. And I am full aware that SM stands for signalman, but in this case for sake of ease, it stands for seaman. And the 1? I just like variety in my alphanumerics. My rating is MM. If I were a petty officer I would have said so, I've only been in a year, not nearly long enough to reach E-6,.

[Angus]

Red dot: "KX125 is a pussy bike. Next time try a KX500."

Whoever the cocksucking motherfucker that doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground is:

Picture an 18-yr old kid who is 5'11" and weighs 150 pounds soaking wet who has roughly 2 months of riding experience trying to handle a goddamned 500cc sand racing bike in the mountains of NE GA. Fucking idiot.

Death and destruction!

[marilyn p keaton]

Debby Fucking Booker.

The sweetest, most stereotypical older Southern sweetheart works in the cube next to mine. She is the reason I wear headphones and listen to metal all day. Nothing else will drown her out. I have been known to take my laptop out to the middle of the fucking factory in order to be able to concentrate. Soon I will be hired into a permanent position and I will get an office. I'm PRAYING for the day.

1. You have fake fucking nails. You spend your entire day entering purchase orders on the computer. This adds up to ALL FUCKING DAY I have to listen to clickety clickety clickety every minute that I'm at my desk. Thank GOD I can escape to the plant.
2. Your phone has speakerphone. Fabulous. I know when Tim still sat out here you never had conversations, ESPECIALLY personal ones on speaker because you didn't want to bother him. Well since I'm a girl I understand? Tim and I have the same fucking job and I don't fucking care about your sister going through menopause.
3. You are 55. DO NOT TALK IN BABY VOICE TO ANYONE. Are you fucking kidding me? "Hewwo, this is Debby, can I hewp you?" Fuck no.
4. Your manager (another Southern bitch named Debby) has her own office. Why do you, Debby and LeeAnn (my bad, "Lee-Lee" in baby voice) INSIST on having all meetings and conference calls in your cube. That doesn't even make sense.

But, you do make really good cake.

[redheadedcalin]

Dear jackals from the bar last night,

Let’s get something straight here. I am not a “crazed lesbian femi-nazi” nor am I “a bitter and angry dried up cunt” I actually got a piece in the bathroom about 25 minutes before this incident, but I digress.

See I was patient in dealing with your frat-boy antics for the better part of the evening. Despite the fact that you were drinking apple martinis (in an Irish pub for fucks sake) and wearing striped polos, I tried to be pleasant. I apologize that I prefer to date real men.

Your commentary was neither witty nor insightful. In fact, if funny were a location, you would be approximately 4959203598 light years from it. It was not observant of you to note that I was terrible at darts and therefore I must be new at it. No shit, brilliance. I know that you were not standing 3 feet from me when I clearly stated to my boyfriend, “Hey, [boyfriend] teach me how to play darts.” I know this because one of you hyenas turned and said “I could teach you a lot of things baby.”

No one (including the bar tender) found your feckless instructions amusing. Making lewd remarks about my boobs jiggling was immature. Making racist remarks about several of my friends being terrorists because of their Indian heritage was irking. But when one of you pigs attempted to grab me to better demonstrate dart throwing technique, I had had enough. That is why I slapped you. I realize this emasculated you in front of your "crew". I also do not give a shit.

There was no need for five of your friends to attempt to “throw down.” There was also no need for you retarded fuck heads to instigate shoving match with some random dudes, with whom my group was not connected, simply because they witnessed one of your “boys” get smacked across the face by a chick. There was really, really no need to scream frivolous threats about “finding us in the parking lot” or “waiting to beat our asses outside.” This is why you all were escorted from the bar. And we got a round of car bombs on the house.

Thanks bunches!

[Tree Hate Me]

A friend of mine sent this to me yesterday. Not exactly a rave, but more of a surprising "thumbs up" from a guy who really enjoys his food.

------------------------------------------------

Steak Fanatic Pizza from Domino's (i finally broke down. here's a review)

it was about 9:45 last night and i had put off ordering/eating dinner a little too long. after being bombarded by those commercials the last couple of weeks, i thought it was finally time.

i ordered it, with the recommended (it seemed logical) extra steak for two dollars.

"you got the steak pizza?"

"yeah" the guy said.

"gimme a medium, with the extra steak for a dollar."

"it's two dollars."

"cool, well done OK?"

"OK."

needless to say domino's held up their end of the bargain, delivering my pizza within 30 minutes. upon opening, i saw mushrooms and onions on the pizza. mushrooms and onions? did they just fuck up my pizza?

then i took a bite. no, this pizza was not fucked, in fact it was delicious.

somehow domino's had created the taste of a super cheesy, cheesy steak sandwich on a pizza full on with a cheese-like sauce consistancy to it.

don't expect the steak to be from gibson's. look beyond that fact and you can't help but enjoy it.

will i recommend it? yes.

to those who have great mexican around them, yet still make the occasional run for the border to taco bell.

for the open and fair minded.

for the hungry.

[Lester]

Thank you to MS Access for making my work day less painful, the longer I know you the more I like you.

Thank you to my new Chrysler Pacifica for getting me home and away from work. I can't wait to play video games through the console on the trip to Missouri.

Thank you to Coca Cola for making Peach Fresca so I can drink my white trash and faggy Peach Fresca and vodkas (its freakishly like a bellini).

[slightlydainbramaged]

To my dear, loving wife,

I love you honey. I put up with a lot of your shit because I know that you put up with more of mine. I can be an asshole and pretty much all I do is work, watch football and drink beer. Therefore, I tolerate your shit without complaining. There is one thing that drives me up the fucking wall though and I tell you this everyday. I know that it is not a major thing, but it is the one thing that makes me FUCKING CRAZY. How hard is it to push down that little plunger thingy that stops the water from coming out of the showerhead before you turn off the water? As much as I like leaning into the shower to turn the water on and immediately get drenched with freezing ass water, I just wish that you could do this one thing for me. It is not a lot to ask. Next time I get drenched with that cold mother fucking water I will promptly walk outside, butt ass naked, fill up a bucket with water from the hose that is even colder than the water inside and throw that shit on you while you are wrapped in your warm blanket in bed dreaming of whatever the fuck you dream of. I promise. Please, I beg you, try me.

[BYC]

Why must everyone get all pissy when reading a stupid post. Most of the time the person is just fucking with you. It doesn't make one smarter to try and belittle the poster.

I think smileys are cute! Whats so bad? Are y'all librarians and need to have ye nuts in a twist?

[sillylittlefreak]

Having friends who work for Larry Flynt pays off in so many ways. The best is getting forwarded letters the crazies send in.

Dear Hustler,

pepole tell me to find a girl at work or at my job I say f....k that.

I think that any man that is really looking for a really good looking women needs to try to find one in a stripclub.. the Hell with the f....ckn girl next door and that bitch you see at the factory or the meat store plant. ever fucken day of the f...en year. of course anybody could go to the fucken mall or buger jonent or at the beach.

but one thing for sure you must go to the strip club. or at the sunset beach. or at the Sunset Strip in La. You ask any rock band where to go to find Hot Chicks they will all tell you to go to the sunset Strip in La. Strippers are not like any other women in the world. guys like Veic Neil know what I'm talking about.

The stipper name Julia that was in the girls girls girls rock video is the sexiest girls I'v seen. She's got the sexiest eyes I'v seen. maybe one day I'll hook up with her

J***

Apparently the meat store plant is not a good place to meet women, according to this guy.

[cockykyle]

Hey Mr. Doctorboy, Lawyerboy, Executive boy, Just because you have enough money and very little brains and decide to spend 20,000 fucking dollars on a Harley does not make you tough or cool. It quite frankly makes you stupid. When you ride through town with your fancy dancy very shiny leather jacket and your little itty bitty helmet that makes your head look like a dick.. oh guess what.. Yes you do look like a dickhead! While you're in your garage, why dont you just paint a little slit on the top of your helmet so you can be properly represented. REAL BIKERS don't wear shiny leathers, little helmets, have tassles hanging off of their handlebars.. ENOUGH already. REAL BIKERS have big beards, a mean look on their face, a Harley that leaks oil, a Harley that hasnt been washed in a month, a toothless tattooed woman on the back, Never uses a signal and generally scares the shit out of you with his mean demeanor. Quit trying to be something you are not.

[Coquette]

Fuck you, Coach T. FUCK YOU.

"You have a difficult time winning when you have five turnovers," Purdue coach Joe Tiller said. "It's a problem when they take two to the house on you."

No shit. Here's an idea - DON'T TURN THE GOD DAMNED BALL OVER FIVE FUCKING TIMES.

Not so fondly,

Coquette

[Lester]

This is fucked up (http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/10/22/sexoffender.custody.ap/index.html)

Now I hate sex offenders, and would kill one if they touched my children, but isn't doing time and all of our legal code about paying your dues to society and hten returning to society?

Fucking do-gooders meddle in people's lives way to much. The man did his time, got someone to marry him and have his child, only to have a bunch of assholes interpret the law how they see fit.

If you are going to castrate repeat child molesters, you need to sterilize these assholes too.

[Tenga Ray]

Ok, so I thought I gave up ranting when I saw the documentary about the boy whose skin fell off but right now, I just need to vent because all of the negative energy is trapped inside of my belly and it's giving me a tummy ouchie.

So, I haven't had time to ask my roommate's for bill money but they knew it was coming. I finally laid them out this morning and one leaves me a note saying, "since I don't watch tv all that much, I want to talk to you about the cable bill."

I'm literally about to puke because I hate asking for money anyway (even when I'm owed it) and now she's trying to challenge it. Bills aren't negotiable. The cable is not pay per view. She uses the roadrunner everyday and here, you have to have the cable to get the roadrunner...it's not a separate deal.

If she had never watched tv, I'd be ok with it. Not only has she watched, she's watched often, and with her boyfriend, AND watched the premium channels.

So, now, I can either get fucked over by paying 2/3 of the bill while she continues to watch at will or be a hard ass bitch and piss her off by standing my ground. It sucks and it's making me sick.

Am I being unreasonable? She should have said something in August when she moved in...not now...and not after using it for two and a half months. I like her, she's one of the best roommates I've ever had...I don't want to be in this position. What do I do?

PS, I watch less tv than she does and I'm already paying $30 more than each of them because I agreed to pay for all of the cable boxes in the house! This sucks.

[Jack of Spades]

Job Interview

"Hey, it's great to meet you! How do you like Boston so far? Great!

I'm going to be honest - your resume is really impressive! I hear Stanford is a great school! I went to Saugus College - you've probably never heard of it, it's right down the road - and majored in Bong Sniffing. But I made it to management in only twelve years, so things turned out OK! It just proves to you, someone with ambition really can do great things! Maybe if you put your mind to it, eventually you can do the same! Just think, you could be making 50 grand in just ten short years!

Here at Company X, we can really use the sort of high-level research and writing skills you developed in college! We'll do that by making you seal envelopes and cold-call potential clients! That perfect verbal on the SAT will go to great lengths when you're convincing 70-year-old women to update their Verizon plans or switch credit cards! And you can use that creativity your references raved about to come up with new and innovative ways to stack your manager's business cards!

You're also obviously a good writer, as I can see from the type of publications your work has appeared in and the awards you've won! I noticed your resume said you'd like to develop those writing skills, which is why - get this - you might get the opportunity to spend some time here writing! Writing schedules, that is. For our account executives! I noticed your handwriting is exceptionally neat - that's good to know!

I'm going to be honest - I really think you have the tools to succeed here! I can see that fire in you! That's good, because that fire will keep you warm when you're working alone in the office on nights and weekends!

You also expressed an interest in working in a sports-related environment, and that's exactly what we do here! I'm going to be honest, though - we don't work directly with any professional sports teams, or colleges, or advertise with them, or watch them on TV in the office. So how is it a "sports-related environment," you ask? Our office is remarkably similar to a high-level sports team - there's constant infighting and we employ a bunch of douchebags who get more respect than they deserve! Just like in sports, this is the place where your Competitive Drive to Succeed and Go-Getter Attitude will make you Rise to the Top! And speaking of competitive, you'll love our commission-based sales positions, where you'll spend hours slaving away to outpace your co-workers! Hope you like cold calls! And as an extra bonus, we'll fire the last week's lowest performer every Wednesday!

But anyway - and again, I'm going to be honest - I'm just not sure we can use someone of your skills here! You're just too talented! Really, it's our loss, not yours! I'm going to be honest - we're looking for someone who has at least a year of experience doing our brand of menial bitch work, even if the job requires no skill whatsoever and could be taught to a Rhesus monkey with a two-day power course. Still, you should really consider an unpaid internship to learn the ropes! Almost half of our six-month unpaid internships lead to full-time bitch work positions!

But if you don't end up here, I can hook you up with the names of a couple of other firms you might look into! In fact, one of my close friends is an account executive at Company Y! I'll put in a good word for you with her! I'm going to be honest - she probably won't call you back and it's unlikely that she'll have any positions open, but I think they may have an unpaid internship spot for you! You should give her a call!

It was great meeting you! Don't get discouraged, though - I'm sure you'll find a great position in Boston! Maybe eventually you can work your way up to a spot here!

Have a great day!"

Maybe I'll just work at a bar for a while.

[applecart]

God bless the Bang Brothers.

Holy shit, these guys deserve their props. Quality ameteur porn that is updated EVERY FUCKING DAY with new whores of every flavor. Have they been reading my diary?? I never thought I'd subscribe to it, and I rarely get the time to really peruse my investment. But I confess, I love it. From the wacky squirter bitch to the shaped-like-a-fireplug Devyn, it is a veritable smorgasboard of girls that (for a price) LOVE the cock. Shit, I'd half believe that some of 'em would do it for free, and thats part of the magic.

Sure alot of the 'pick up a girl off the street' stuff is staged, but who cares? The variety is the key. Tattoos (my fucking favorite) Asians, Latinas, girls with bubble butts, huge breasts, redheads, blondes, jacked up grilles, twins, gangbangs, you name it, it's there. Each girl unique in her own way, a dick hungry snowflake waiting to be discovered. Every single one of them a gem of a fuck.

Thank you, Bangbros. You are doing the Lords work.

[Savannah]

Crazy Asian Man on Austin Street, under my front window:

I could not believe what you told me on Monday, well, not me personally, but everyone in a five block radius. I was laying on the couch feeling like shit with a 103 fever and thought I’d had too much Nyquil. I heard a strange statement coming from the street. I walked to the front window and looked down upon you, in all your half naked glory. I was quite surprised that anyone would actually sit on Austin Street, nevertheless without pants and underwear. I must say that I was stunned when I realized that you were jacking off while screaming “HE MAKES ME SLEEP WITH HIS DICK IN MY ASS AND IT HURTS!”

The girl in 3C

[KungFu Mike]

Hello Internet Porn Starlet,

I had a great time with you at the bar the other night. I had an even better time fucking you, you were very loud and flexible. Good times had by all. What I don't like is getting e-mails like this from you:

Because this might sound a little strange to you, but last week my ex hacked into my email and found this site (Not the TMMB, a different site). He hacked in here and read my PMs with you, namely the one where I said some people can't handle a hook up.... And he lost it. I woke up to slashed tires and major major drama. My life has been hell for the past week. I just wanted to know if any of this reached you in any way. And if it did, I'm sorry.

Keep in mind that your ex is a massive 'roid raging lunatic. And when I say lunatic...

Well right now he is safely tucked away at the Pavillion to deal with his issues. If nothing has happened by this point I will say it won't. He is just having alot of trouble dealing with the fact that I am moving on with my life (without him). I'm sorry to put this on you. I just wanted to know if anything happened to you in the last week.

The Pavillion is a local mental institution. Awesome. I didn't have anything else to worry about besides some low rent Slingblade shuffling to my front door with six cycles of anabolics coursing through his veins while carrying a sledgehammer after folding a nurses aid like an accordion and making his escape.

I knew it was too good to be true. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that fucking you was too good of a thing to go without baby Jesus throwing a wrench into the cogs of my daily existance.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to buy some new deadbolts for my front door and some heavy, sharp things just in case Mongo gets the idea that he wants to wear my skin like a raincoat.

XOXOX,

~Mike

[Coquette]

Dear Shitty Gap Pants Maker,

Do you think I enjoy paying money for shit that literally FALLS APART after wearing it twice? Is it funny to you to see the pockets fall off of your overpriced crap? To see the stitching come out of the legs? IS IT?

Look, I don't ask for much. I don't want anything fancy, I don't want designer, I just want a pair of jeans that resemble jeans after wearing them a few times. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I'd take them back to the store to point out your shittiness, but I don't want to deal with Marcy the Holiday Help telling me there is nothing she can do, and that her manager is off eating Cinnabon in the food court. All the while trying to catch that cute guy's eye, who is pointing out the subtle differences between boot cut and flare to his most certainly gay "friend". It's just not worth it.

So Gap, here's the deal. Quit making shit. And if you are going to make shit, please don't charge me $65 for a pair of fucking jeans.

~Coquette